Step Three - Al-Anon

dot · Senior Member

Step Three - Al-Anon

dot · Senior Member

Turning my desire to change the a was very hard for me. I started asking my Higher Power to take care of the a and make him sober :) or at least give him te desire to get sober :). When that didn't seem to be working my sponsor reminded me that it was my desire that needed the attention. I had to concentrate on me. I had to change - first my thinking - because my thinking was all about the a - then my actions - to do the next right thing for ME.

I usually needed to call my sponsor and let her guide my thinking which would help me choose the next right action for me.

Keep coming back - Love and hugs - Dot

-- Edited by dot at 13:47, 2005-12-28

amanda2u2 · Senior Member

I learned, as a child, to be very aware of what my parents were doing, because it affected me. Sometimes I had to make a lot of space if they were in bad moods. Sometimes I had to,, often I had to, forget about my own needs to meet their demands. The result was that I got used to forgetting about myself and reacting to other people. Learning how to act instead of react was a major thing.

I have heard that 'this is a we program, and not a me program',,, so I tend to think in terms of 'we' when I plan and make decisions... it is no longer totally focussed on another person,,, nor just on what is good for me,,, but I try to make decisions that are good for everyone, the common good, to get things into a healthy balance.

The 3rd Step was very, very difficult for me,, since I didn't trust anyone at all,, but more about that when I put up the ACoA 3rd Step.

amanda

angelinme908 · Veteran Member

I havent a sponsor yet so I may be revisiting all these steps pretty soon. But my first thought for when I am working on step three is turning my ex-g/f over to my HP. I can't force her to be in my life or to feel the way I do. I can give her to God so he can work his will in her life. I wish it won't be separate from my life but I have no control over that. I need to give that up to my HP so I can just focus on me.

Angelina

maresie · Member

The other night I had one of those pivotal moments where I turned my relationship with my boyfriends over to God. I was burned to a crisp. A year where I had dealt with way way too much for me, his illnesses (he has several physical illnesses), no money, every issue under the sun, a blistering resentment at his family who did very little for him when he was sick, a blistering resentment at his friends who used and abused him, a resentment that just ate me up. And exhaustion at his acting out, crashing cars, not taking care of anything, dumping on me, blaming me everything was all stewed up and I was buried in it. And I could not go on any more controlling, raging, blaming, shaming and trying to outsmart his many many games.

I just let go and let god and went to bed and slept. And I did not stay up all night as always obsessing, what is next, financial devastation (he is in bad shape financially), more ill health (my own now), insecurity, you name it I can obsess about it. I went to bed after being in the Al anon chat room talking and hearing people who believed. And I got up the next day and started over and started using the tools, not resentfully with heavy hand (is this all I got stuff) just lightly well I'm willing. And they helped a lot and I felt better. I am still of course exhausted who would not be after a year like that one. I am still of course needing to take lots of action about my own physical health. And of course I have to detach by the minute from my boyfriend. I ask him to do things, he does some but not others. Okay well I live with that. He does not have to do what I say since he is a human being with the power of choice. I sometimes want to get into obsessing what kind of partnership is this but then I never made it a partnership I made it an obsession. So I just keep working on what I can do today and honoring my needs for companionship, help (I need a lot of help) and prayer and meditation and rest. I was going to go in full martyr mode of feeling bad, do more but I didn't. I just rested and said is this all I can do today - okay and made some plans for the next few days and turned it over.

Maresie.

bobl · Member

Finally getting or I should say taking a chance to do some step work.

When I first heard, turn our lives over to will of God, this didn't make sense to me. I believe we were put on this earth and given free will by my HP. So why would we give up and just coast and expect him to do it.

But as I've been in the program longer and hear more shares I see that this step can easily dovetail into my theory of the roadmap of life. I've felt pretty much since 9th grade that this live is neither totally free will, nor is it totally fate. It's been my believe that we are placed at a certain point of time for a reason. Our live is like a road map. The thing is, there are plenty of ways to get to the same end and there are multiple destinations.

If we make the correct choice, it might be a bumpier ride but we get to where we were supposed to go sooner. If we take the express way, maybe there are detours which take us from where we are supposed to be. I believe there are mutliple paths to get to the same destination where HP would like us. It could take us a life time to reach a checkpoint in our lives we could have reached in our teens. We could constantly detour and never reach a place where our HP wants us, to serenity.

I believe that we can only get to these places if we use our free will to follow our HP's advice. For each of us the way he communicates the path to us is different or changes. We can easily not get to that place. For me I believe that our HP wants us to use our free will. He wants us to read the signs that show the way he intends. MY HP will take no burden from me unless I through my own free will offer it to him. That view could change as I grow further, but today that is where I am.

I find as for letting go and letting God, yes my A is on those whom I ask my HP to take care of. I never ask for sober. I may sometimes wish that but it's not what I ask for or give up. I ask my HP to show my A the signs, so that someday she may freely ask for his help and welcome him into her world for that is the only way she will get better. Her bottom is the only thing that will get her to ask for that.

I hope that by turning my life over to my HP and especially those things I need his help with, those things I can't control, that my HP will take those things that he feels I need help with.

Bob

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