Adult Children of Alcoholics Step 1

JamesCT · Senior Member

Adult Children of Alcoholics Step 1

annaes · Newbie

James I did grow up in an alcoholic home, my father had the illness.

We had a brilliant childhood but sadly alcohol took over dad in my teens.

Dad found soberiety the last 10 years of his life, now I pray in gratitude for the wonderful dad he was.

I was sober for 13 years through the gift of AA and my higher power, I choose God.

I picked up a drink just under 2 months ago, what can I say, only that I felt perhaps I could be in control! Huge mistake!

Thank God, I am back into AA, the programme, steps, online meetings and local meetings.

Moved to Spain over 4 months ago, rollercoaster of emotions, my partner of 13 years, practising alcoholic, in complete denial.

We have bought an old casa house, massive renovation project, he is not coping well with the project and I have turned into control freak, typical teacher.

Thank you for your wise words,
Day a time,

nightwindcrying · Newbie

Dear kindred souls,

I am 11 years clean and sober but recently had a mental crash due to growing control issues with my family of origin. I have always attended AA but still felt like a hole was inside me. All the 14 traits define how I have lived. I tried a million ways to understand and luckily my breakdown lead me to ACA literature and this site.

I swore I would never be like my controlling sick father (who did have good points and who has passed), but I now see my own desperate needs to fix others as manifested behavior I developed as a result of my past are exactly like his in many ways.

I am powerless over my past but I can learn to understand myself and make better choices. I want to heal. I will do whatever it takes...

DavidG · Senior Member

Hi James, and y'all,

I was thinking about the steps like a treadmill, or a squirrel in a cage. Sometimes I talk with 12 steppers with long faces- hearing them say we gotta stick with the programme for life!

Well we can too...! But that doesn't mean we gotta, or gonna stay the same.... My last time round the steps bought me joy, and a bit more peace....

I see the steps like the numbers on the clock. And 12 is sitting right beside one. Great companions. Last month another person surfaced on the board- someone who had done the work, the sharing... I queried this experience, as I could and it held. It gave me renewed hope, a greater depth of clarity.

I suppose i could raise a flag, and blow a trumpet and yell out 'hear ye, hear ye...'. But what I prefer todo is to do step one and try and demonstrate the steps by doing them myself. I still have work to do with me... aww

But I also say- there is an end, a purpose, an objective... to rejoin the human race through the company of people just like myself!

I came into the rooms 31 years ago. I had long red hair [my natural colour]. And I was wearing gumboots with the tops turned down. At that meeting my focus was on the gumboots- that is what I remember most. But yeah... as I share I recall the faces... the voices....

One of the strengths here was that members had come to our community from different groups- so we were able to put together a really strong group... it lasted about 20 something years... and then it crashed...

...over thopse 31 years i was also married... and I am still married- I suppose that says something. It wasn't easy at all. We tend to get in with people like ourselves... blankstare - but looking back I wouldn't have missed it for quids...

ACA has given me an extra boost. Today I have my dream job- it is hard, but I love it! I love ACA, because for me it appears to be pioneering work. In some ways I feel we are constructing the programme as we go along. This is really good because I think it fits!

The programme does not deliver to us entirely. For it to work, and for the groups to work we have to deliver to it, and to each other- we all have to pitch in, in other words...

...we all have the right to be wrong... we can make mistakes, because we all tend to make the same kind of mistakes. At forst it may seem to sad and serious... blankstare hmm disbelief doh evileye hmm cry ... but as we go along, get in touch with the healthy side of our inner kid it will never again ever seem so bad... wink smile aww

thanks for your rime,

and thanks so much for the chance to share- for me it is life itself !

smile DavidG.

Serenity4uNme · Member

Not that you can't change your circumstance. Just that you cannot change your circumstance in isolation. You need help.

James this gives me hope .. Step 1 .. not sure what i'm doing and by the time i'm done, i'm gonna have so many new computer names i won't know what to do with myself . so in order to 'avoid the false self .. I'm hope42day on the acoa site.. I couldn't log in without changing so . here i am ..

I have been hearing myself walk around saying i can't change this . i can't change that .. to see i can't change in isolation brings depth to the meaning of what i can't change .. that's a piece just now in me that's been changed .. in the steps, i've said i'm powerless because i lack power (wisdom) true enough but there's an add on this morning .. I'm powerless alone ..

It was very confusing coming in to the steps .. being told my whole life things aren't how I think they are, I developed aGreat deal of confusion .. Never did follow the script of obedience very well.. Maybe that's the gift of the oppositional defiance i have secretly always felt within me .. <- maybe it's served a purpose (besides guilt) after all .. maybe this is why it's best to leaving the judging to higher power ..

I am Recognising my insanity (unclear thinking) this morning .. the idea of not being able to change in isolation .. wow, i have been sitting here for years waiting for me to change 'before rejoining the human race, not realising how much i Need the human race .. (alot of them) .. You all .. and how much i 'can't do alone .. .. what im seeing is 'no wonder' noone ever changed.. there are so many forms of isolation and so many where i grew up .. Noone was talking, etc.. about anything more than what one would talk about with a co-worker maybe on break .. they couldn't change Alone ..

My first inclination is to blame .. do the poor me .. truth is .. it is poor me when im alone because then I Am a victim 'to me' ..
this also goes a step deeper .. No wonder others have carried a poor me mentality .. it Is 'poor them' ..when they are alone .. this morning i have more than i bargained for ..i Also have a tinge of compassion .. for their dark prisons .. they R powerless to change in isolation .. I have wanted to cry Every flippin time i have sat at my computer for the last couple of weeks .. Such a deep healing coming 'out of the dark rather than 'staying in .. i am crying for the beauty and the years i have lost because i've thought the 'dark was a comfort for so long .. Thank you for being here and running the step board ..

I'm happy this morning to 'see .. i Need you .. You are my eyes and ears .. and if it werent for the light that shines around me through others willing to 'light my path, i would never know i'm in the dark .. ah gattitude .. i was never secretly grateful beforethe steps .. what was there to be grateful for ? i was Alone and Nothing was changing .. I didn't Recognise powerless .. have a long way to go but have a little piece of understanding this morning ..

HoosierCat · Member

Thank you, James. I am so grateful to see Step 1 at the top of the board! Do people here work on the Yellow Workbook to go along with the steps online? I am so grateful for this program. I think that it saved my life this summer and is helping to make my life a better one everyday.

anewday · Newbie

Hi glad to have found this site. I have been going to meetings for a couple of years but the last couple of months I stopped going. I have a lot of lame excuses why I stopped going, I started to make some progress then I stopped. Old MO for me. I really notice how bad I feel inside since I have stopped. Self critical, hopelessness and angry.

" We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable"

I am not a exception to this step, I know what I need to do to start to feel better but when you are feeling this bad it is so difficult. I am going to try to get to a meeting the next one in my area is next Tuesday. Until then thank you for this forum. I will check back later. Thank you for listening.

HoosierCat · Member

I tried to do step work last fall and found it too overwhelming. This year I am trying again. It sounds like Step 1 is just every day being a part of ACA? If this can be true for me than I find a lot of hope in this step.

JamesCT · Senior Member

HoosierCat wrote:
Thank you, James. I am so grateful to see Step 1 at the top of the board! Do people here work on the Yellow Workbook to go along with the steps online? I am so grateful for this program. I think that it saved my life this summer and is helping to make my life a better one everyday.

Some people do. Some use these as launching pads for contemplation as they work with a sponsor. It's all good. And remember stop by the ACoA board for lots of good ESH.

-- Edited by JamesCT on Monday 24th of March 2014 08:35:25 PM

JamesCT · Senior Member

HoosierCat wrote:
I tried to do step work last fall and found it too overwhelming. This year I am trying again. It sounds like Step 1 is just every day being a part of ACA? If this can be true for me than I find a lot of hope in this step.

I don't know how much contact you have had with active alcoholics or traditional addicts, but one lie they tell themselves, the one that is the single greatest impediment to fixing their situation, is "I can handle it" / "I've got it under control". They have a problem not just with accepting help but believing that they need it. If you, HoosierCat, realize that you need help, that you don't have all the answers, then you're working this step.

JamesCT · Senior Member

anewday wrote:
Hi glad to have found this site. I have been going to meetings for a couple of years but the last couple of months I stopped going. I have a lot of lame excuses why I stopped going, I started to make some progress then I stopped. Old MO for me. I really notice how bad I feel inside since I have stopped. Self critical, hopelessness and angry.

" We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable"

I am not a exception to this step, I know what I need to do to start to feel better but when you are feeling this bad it is so difficult. I am going to try to get to a meeting the next one in my area is next Tuesday. Until then thank you for this forum. I will check back later. Thank you for listening.

The one thing I wish I could sunshine and rainbow people about but can't is pushing through or pressing forward. The honest truth is, at some point you cannot wait to feel better to do it. You have to do it so you'll feel better.

But you can do it with help and you do have help. Please come by the ACoA board in my signature and meet people who have gone through it. You'll be glad you did.

Stacey76 · Newbie

Hi

I'm here with the hope that I can accept the fact that I am not in control of my pain as I always believed I was.i have all the traits listed and have been battling my feelings for as long as I can remember.i know I can't get better carrying on this way and I want to be a whole person that is real.I don't really know how to begin to get better but I think finding this site is a great start.

Thanking you guys in advance for the support I will need x

Stacey76 · Newbie

Maybe I wrote that on the wrong thread! Apologies....it's my first day !lol

JamesCT · Senior Member

You're fine, Stacey. And welcome. Come by the ACoA board in my signature and you'll get a lot of fellowship.

InvisibleButterfly · Newbie

I just joined today....really hope I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. Just as it says above..I was (and still am) told that I shouldn't feel a certain way or what I'm feeling is wrong. My mother abused me every way conceivable as I was growing up. Oddly enough, now in my adult years, she seems to emotionally abuse me more than ever. I have been 'disowned' and so have my kids (who did nothing to her).

For me, my 'drug' of choice is food. I'm a big girl and it's the one thing my mother uses against me. It just seems crazy because it's the environment that she forced me to live in that caused me to be this way. She takes NO responsibility for anything that she has done or said. Instead, she tells me it's my fault and my choices. Really? I don't remember having a choice or a voice.

At any rate, I NEED the help and I pray I get it here. Thank you for reading and again, I hope I didn't do anything wrong...

Thanks

JamesCT · Senior Member

No, IB. You haven't done anything wrong. Welcome. I invite you to come to the Adult Children of Alcoholics board for fellowship, experience, strength, and hope.

http://acoa.activeboard.com

slowlearner · Member

JamesCT wrote:
The ACoA Steps wrote:
1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
You grew up in a household with an alcoholic or some other trauma. And things got distorted. You were told that what you felt was wrong, or that what you think you felt isn't what you felt, or that you shouldn't feel at all.
You maybe don't drink, but you do other things that mess up your adult life nonetheless. And you do them over and over again. You might even think you're crazy. But whatever all this is, you know that you can't beat it by yourself.
That's what powerlessness is talking about. Not that you can't change your circumstance. Just that you cannot change your circumstance in isolation. You need help.
Welcome to the beginning. You'll find help here.

Oh my this brings tears to my eyes and a rush of unhappy memories. My family was sooooo dysfunctional, alcoholic father, alcoholic mother, both grew up in alcoholic homes and then had children together. Talk about a recipe for disaster. I think I have 99% of the traits of a child of alcoholics and have been stumbling through life wondering what's the matter with me, and I'm 48 years old. I do not know what normal is and I feel like an outsider wherever I go. Not good enough to join in but wanting to so badly. So I stay home in the evenings and venture out to work where I stay in my cubicle and work until it's time to go home. I've always heard of helping the child within but I don't want to go there because it opens up so many terrible memories - so I've leave them there and try to forget about them. I have married an alcoholic and he has pounded home the idea that I am crazy and my thinking is off. What a viscious circle. But I admit that I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. I want to get better....

Blueyesrsmiling · Newbie

I grew up in a generational house. Our illness is generations. I have never felt right. I always felt guilty, tough, mean and very angry. I knew the right answers that everyone wanted to hear. Growing up I was a bully and tough and angry. I was the protector of my family or maybe that is how I thought of myself. I was the one who would do physical battle with my father to keep him from abusing my mother. I am a girl or a woman now. After several marriages to alcoholic's and being in AlAnon slice I was 14 years old the last one committed suicide. It took my breath away. My heart my soul, my being. I quit going. I knew the right words to say at meetings. After the death of my husband I decided to date again three years after his death. The first one I liked was a full blown alcoholic. After being unhappy I went back to AlAnon. I quit dating and worked all the steps. I really worked hard. Later I met and married a non alcoholic. I realized the other day I was trying to control and manipulate him. Because I was scared. So I am back ... I need to be back. When I can't control I resort to manipulation. I have a good marriage if I want to keep this healthy marriage I need to work in myself. I have gained weight, smoke like a dragon. But manipulation was the one thing that made me grab myself because I knew I had sunk low resorting to it. I am admitting how powerless I feel and my need to control I realized I had sunk pretty low.

JamesCT · Senior Member

Thank you, Blueyesrsmiling and slowlearner. I'm so glad you've started to make this change in your life. If you'd like more support and discussion of families and dysfunction, please stop by our message board at http://acoa.activeboard.com .

renewedman · Newbie

Hi, All. 1st. time 'Caller' ol. I'm brand new at this and do have experience of 30 years in the 'Mother' 12 step program of recovery. What I'm liking in ACOA is that the focus doesn't have to stay on me. I can get to the root of my problem. The way I interpreted the atitudes I observed from my parents pariticulary my father, were the foundation for my un managability in life. But being I was an infant and had them reinforced my entire life no wonder when I went out into the world I basically didn't give a __. I was unteachable. I hope I can learn in the fellowship how to change my life to what God wants not what I want.

Thank you,

James B. 'Good'

JamesCT · Senior Member

For this next cycle of the steps, I'm going to merely bump a previous version's thread. Please read the post at the beginning, post your thoughts here, and join us at the ACA fellowship board in my signature.

Kheirra · Member

JamesCT wrote:
I don't know how much contact you have had with active alcoholics or traditional addicts, but one lie they tell themselves, the one that is the single greatest impediment to fixing their situation, is "I can handle it" / "I've got it under control". They have a problem not just with accepting help but believing that they need it. If you, HoosierCat, realize that you need help, that you don't have all the answers, then you're working this step.

Thank you for this, this put it into perspective a lot better for me.

I grew up with an alcoholic father, and a mother who never stood up to him for anyone. He would call her names, beat her, manipulate us all. I would always be the one to rescue her; it really got bad when I was 7. At 9, I had a baby sister, the hell still continued. Now I was responsible for her safety, and my mothers safety. While protecting them, I would argue with my father, several times I actually took an object and beat him. Nine year old, female, trying to keep my dad from killing my mother, cause he was in a rage. He would call me stupid, a whore (all women were), and I was not allowed to say anything back. He would spank me with a belt if I did something wrong, or even said something wrong (I was a pretty damn good kid.) I learned to walk on eggshells. My mother learned to make sure the vehicle was parked to where it couldn't be blocked, and we could run away. Many nights, it was so bad that we would have to stay at a hotel; even my 16th birthday, with my best friend. Every time we left, she would cry about how much she loved him, how much she missed him, and always would take him back. She never wanted to press charges, never wanted anything to happen to him, or her to not "feel in control". I grew up with a lot of hatred, yet so much love for my family. I have realized recently, that I resent my sister. My dad sobered up for five years, from the time she was 9-14. Several other years, he only had one relapse, so she got to see my dad in his "xanax coma" instead of his demon. My sister is completely different from me, she is able to go places alone, she is able to be alone, but she can't stand up for herself. Where as I will not let someone talk down to me, unless I care a lot for them, and I cannot go anywhere alone, I just feel so uncomfortable.

My family is still going through all of this, my parents are still together. My dad is currently in jail, he relapsed again recently. It had only been 6 months. He had two years probation with one year on the shelf, and was pulled over for driving erratically, then attempted to flee the cops, once finally handcuffed, he tried to throw everything he could out for the cops. I know this, as he accidentally called me while he was being taken away. "I have to pee," "my chest, ooooh my chest!", "I'm getting sick, I've been puking blood," anything to get him from going to jail. Luckily, it was the Chief who picked him up, and for some insane reason, he was actually taken straight to jail. This has never happened before. He has also never been to jail, without me or my mother calling the police on him. This is my own little miracle, my own happiness, my own light through the clouds. I finally see, that maybe I don't have to try to control everything, that just maybe, I interfere and do make things worse. I am actually so relieved to think that I didn't do anything, and things ended up better.

Only thing is, with a $2500 bond (yet again), my mom is actually getting him out. So, he will be out again tonight. Will he drink? Will he abuse? I don't know. But, right now, it's not my issue. He was in a safe place where he needed to be.

So, for my First Step, I am happy to say that I realize I am not in control, at all actually, and controlling fails. I FINALLY realize, that maybe, just maybe, I'm not crazy, nor need medicines. Just need help.

Currently I am not going to any actual meetings, I am still way too early for this, too paranoid, and too freaked out to go on my own. So for now, I'm working them online. Thank you all for listening.

countrygirl · Member

I am new to this site and just beginning my step work. Yesterday I found a very old post regarding Step 1 and did my step work from there. I am reposting here as this is the most current Step 1 ACOA topic.

ACA step workbook Step 1
The Alcoholic / Addict~ My Father
The Hypochondriac ~ None
The Sexual Abuser~ None
The General (militaristic, rigidly harsh) ~ My Father, oldest brother
The Basket Case (emotionally ill or fragile) ~ None
The Perfectionist ~ None

p 30 Questions:

1. What is my definition of being unmanageable or having an unmanageable life? My definition of having an unmanageable life is not having control over what happens. Caring too much about what everyone else is doing and how that effects me.

2. Do I think I can still control people, places, and things by acting right, perfect, or otherwise? I KNOW that I cant control people, places and things by acting a certain way but I am having a difficult time not acting a certain way in order to control people, places and things.

3. Do I think I have power over other people and can control their actions and thoughts? I know I have no power over other people and that I cant control their actions and thoughts but that doesnt stop me from trying.

4. Am I letting the thoughts, feelings and actions of others have power over me? I most definitely am, it is almost like I need constant praise and approval from people in order to know that I am doing the right thing. I dont trust my own judgement.

5. Do I allow the feelings or possible reaction of others to control me or to determine my behavior and choices? I most definitely am, it is almost like I need constant praise and approval from people in order to know that I am doing the right thing. I dont trust my own judgement.

6. What does it mean to be codependent? Being codependent means that you are dependent on another persons actions or behaviors and your actions and behaviors are based on what they do.

7. Have my relationships created chaos, abuse, or predictable turmoil in my life? My relationships have done nothing but cause chaos and turmoil in my life. I have come to realize over the past year that this is all based on me, not them. This is why I have begun to work on myself and seek recovery.

8. Has my behavior and thinking affected my job performance or my ability to relate to others? Oh yes, I am very much a loner and feel like I am constantly being judged by others. I feel like no one likes me or wants to work with me. I feel like my work is superior to others and that I am smarter and more knowledgeable than they are. I dont like to be wrong and my work ethic has recently suffered very much because I launched a huge project and was not given the praise I feel like I deserved. I am at the point right now where I feel Why bother?

9. What is my ACA bottom or bottoming out? Have I hit my bottom? I believe that I have hit my ACA bottom and that is why I am seeking help. I feel like my bottom is my never being happy, my relationships and wanting to end the trend and just be healthy for the first time in my life. I want to be like everyone else and just be content with me. I want to trust my own judgement and know that I am doing the right thing, not guess at what is right. I want to stop spreading this disease to me children.

10. Has an obsession for another persons drugs, gambling, food or sex made my life unmanageable? How? Yes, I am clearly drawn to people with problems. Sex Addiction, Alcohol Addiction, being emotionally unavailable. These relationships make my life unmanageable because I cant make them stop their behavior. I believe that I feel good about myself and superior to these people because I do not have these issues. I do believe that I suffer from an addiction to love and possibly sex though, but that is a recent discovery.

11. Is my manageable life actually controlling behavior, which I have mislabeled? I believe that I am the happiest when everyone is doing and behaving exactly what and how I think they should. If someone does something against what I believe or think I take it as a direct insult and become very offended and upset. I believe that this is definitely controlling behavior.

12. Am I in denial about my controlling behavior? I think I have been in denial about my controlling behavior up until recently.

13. Can I recover alone? No, I cannot recover alone and am currently seeking out what resources are available to me.

14. Do I relate to other adult children in meetings? How? I have not been to an in person meeting but I have been to an online meeting and read some message boards. I definitely relate very well to other adult children from what I have heard and read. How, well can I just copy and paste the laundry list here? Sheesh!

The Laundry List 14 Traits of ME - an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
1. I have become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. I am an approval seeker and have lost my identity in the process.
3. I am frightened by angry people and any personal criticism. (and I avoid confrontation and conflict like the plague).
4. I have been in relationships with alcoholics and other compulsive personalities to fulfill my sick abandonment needs.
5. I have seen my life from the viewpoint of a victim and am attracted by that weakness in my love and friendship relationships. I do however pride myself in my strength and ability to fix things.
6. I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for me to be concerned with others rather than myself; this enables me not to look too closely at my own faults, etc.
7. I get guilty feelings when I stand up for myself instead of giving in to others.
8. I became addicted to excitement (and seem to thrive or attract chaos).
9. I confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people I can "pity" and "rescue."
10. I have "stuffed" my feelings from my traumatic childhood and have lost the ability to feel or express my feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11. I judge myself harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. I am a dependent personality who is terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which I received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for me.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and I became a para-alcoholic and took on the characteristics of that disease even though I did not pick up the drink.
14. I am a Para-alcoholic, a reactor rather than an actor.

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.