Hi Betty, and y'all...

rather than doing step 4 all over again I have chosen to answer the last question.

When I first came into Alanon I felt like a victim and I was a victim. After taking step 1 I learned just how bad things were with me.

because i felt so much lke a victim I had ignored the bad things I had done. Maybe I had done them because of my upbringing?

Part of my life I had been a goody-two-shoes. This was more or less up until I hit my teens. I had tried to fit in and tried so very hard to be good. Because the real issues in my family had not been discussed, or even known, this was the best I could do.

So Step 4 taught me that I was no different from anyone else. At time i thought i was much better. But other times i just felt yuck.

I was able to let go of shame and guilt. I was preparing to make the amends i needed to. And to pass on items beyond and outside of my control.

This time I was able to join the adult world in a balanced way.

Thanks for the share... 

DavidG.

Never mind Betty. I figured it out. Everyone who knows me knows I'm in AA also so I won't try to hide that. The first 4th step I did was an AA 4th step. It's a little different, but the reason for doing it is basically the same, to find out where we were at fault in our dealings with others and to learn what we should be doing instead. Later, I met Nancy (my current wife) and she was in Al-anon and so was I and one day she showed me the Blueprint to Progress, so I did that too. It isn't necessary for a person to do both versions, but I recommend to all of my AA sponcees who decide to become sponsors themselves that they do the blueprint to progress first.

I shared a story on the board yesterday about a meeting I was at and a girl had shared with her sponsor that she was feeling suicidal. Her sponsor suggested she do her steps first. That way she wouldn't be killing the wrong person. And that was probably supposed to be humorous but it made a lot of sense to me. Prior to our inventory we don't have a clue who we really are. We think we know. But when we start peeling away the layers we are often surprised to learn that we are not the worthless, useless, hopeless, can-never-do-anything-right people we thought we were. At least it was so in my case. It's true I had a lot of defects, but I had some good points too, and the 4th step showed me what they were.

Pride and fear were my worst enemies and they were the things that kept me cut off from you and from God and from even doing these steps. Pride told me I didn't have to do an inventory and fear told me I better not do one. Luckily, there's numbers in front of each step so I didn't have to do step four until I'd done step 3 and one of the things I learned from all of you is that my higher power will protect me during the taking of these steps so I don't have to be afraid.

It's good to be back and as always I thank you Betty for being here and doing this.

I wanted to get started on this step right away, but don't have Blueprint for Change and didn't want to wait for it to arrive if I ordered it. I found a list of 4th step questions online. Wow, there are a lot of them. I've been typing for over an hour and am not through the first 1/4 of them yet. So far the questions have me delving into my childhood. I've had no big revelations yet, and I hope that after answering all the questions (which will probably take a week!) it will somehow turn into a moral inventory. I must confess that the part I've done so far doesn't seem like I'm going to end with a moral inventory. But I will continue to journey through the questions and see what happens.

I read posts above saying that pride and fear are two of the great challenges for some of us. I think pride affects many, many people. So many of us want to believe that we can handle everything ourselves. We want to believe that we are exceedingly competent. I like to pretend that. It sounds like it's time for me to review Steps 1-3!

What has prevented me from working step four? I have gotten in my own way many times over and once I learned to humble myself and be open to the process I was finally able to look within, without judging myself mercilessly and just see who I was and how I got there and clean house of survival skills I needed in my past, but were no longer helpful for my present or future.

How is step four helping me to accept myself? I can love myself warts and all, without needing to judge myself or anyone else. I learned love and compassion for self.

What benefits do I gain by completing a step four inventory? I am no longer fearful of myself, I looked into all my dark closets and took everything out and put it in a pile and sorted through it, getting rid of the shame and guilt of the past and keeping what benefits me in my present. It was so freeing!

How do I know when Im ready to move on to my step four? When I felt nothing else holding me back from within.

What role has a sponsor played in my willingness to do this? My sponsor loved me through this painful process and let me borrow her love for me and strength when I needed it. We did the workbook Blue print for Progress and it helped me a lot. I couldn't have done it alone my first time through.

In what ways are my character defects a distortion of my good traits? I felt so wrong about myself and had to see the good within and even my character defects got me through some tough stuff.

How has step four change the way I understand the disease of alcoholism? I see how I got to where I was and now I can let go of that part of my life and live in my recovery, diving in new each morning, taking the best care of myself and my children.

In what way do secrets hurt my recovery? They keep you hanging on to shame and guilt, letting the dysfunction have a hold within.

In what way is denial perpetrated my character defects? Denial is a strong layer to scrape away, but once you become aware of your character defects and what dysfunctions you are in, you can accept it as real and then take action to get healthier.

How has working step four changed me? I am a strong woman now living my recovery journey and am no longer a victim of my childhood or past, but am a survivor and am better for all I have lived through!

Step four questions

the 4th .. I too use an AA format listing 4 columns .. who resent / what resent / effect in 4 areas / my part .. In fact, I am chippin away at one now .. I sat there for about 6 weeks this time around thinking about it and putting it out of my head .. tiring .. went to a meeting and this gentlemen I love said in a surfer dude voice .. yahh .. dang .. been starin at the past all .. insanity .. lol it hit me .. I was so tired negative irritable angry confused sluggish for the entire time and definitely feeling insane staring at insane behavior.. I finally at least picked up the notebook but only listed 2 people .. me & god .. <- as if right ? well it was very interesting to say the least .. as I listed Everything I resent on Me .. I kept writing I Am this .. I Am this I Am that .. I recognized the I Am and realized One of my parts was again thinking I Am all things .. I Am my disease .. I also had that part backwards .. I am not all things; God is .. so again reversed our roles .. clarity always feels better .. and It never ceases to surprise me when I see my part ..

What has prevented me from working step four? Even seeing the disease to inventory has an effect on me .. I procrastinate through feeling overwhelmed ..

How is step four helping me to accept myself? Step 4 gives me clarity through Self honesty. helps me see things aren't usually as bad as ( I ) 'think they are .. brings my distorted thinking to the surface ..

What benefits do I gain by completing a step four inventory? freedom from the past .. healing & changed perception of it . we can't change our past but we Can change our perception of it so it no longer dominates our thinking Today. We make peace with it ..

How do I know when Im ready to move on to my step four? for me, seems when I prepare to do a 4th all of my resentments begin to surface .. I even find myself in situations that bring them up .. when I see certain things repeatedly .. I know I'm heading into the 4th.

What role has a sponsor played in my willingness to do this? Encouragement .. reminder of why I feel so tired irritable when I'm coming up on the step .. reminds me of the growth to come .. freedom ..

In what ways are my character defects a distortion of my good traits? I judge myself hard for Everything .. all I could see a long time was defects and negativity .. as I began to bring things to the surface, I recognized I was judging actions as bad when my motive beneath the actions turned out to be one of love .. that's not to say the behaviors didn't need to change but I stopped being hard on myself and healed because I had found a better understanding of me ..

How has step four change the way I understand the disease of alcoholism? I begin to recognize how much I have been effected by both others & me ..

In what way do secrets hurt my recovery? what I leave in the dark (in secret) dominates my thinking (confuses me and keeps me a victim for only having my perception) and has a strong hold on me .. for years I shared details .. I am beginning to understand my own secrets even more than behaviors are my feelings . we were not allowed to express them for fear of feeling vulnerable; etc .. I don't want to admit vulnerability shame anger being human obsession <- not even always in that I've done something but that I am human with human qualities and I don't have the greatest power as some others try to pretend in the world .. feeling vulnerable didn't feel safe; it meant being a target .

In what way is denial perpetrated my character defects? if I am denying them I can't see them .. kills my hope of change ..

How has working step four changed me? changed my perception ..

-- Edited by Serenity4uNme on Sunday 18th of May 2014 10:32:43 PM

My share:
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Perhaps this step is not as difficult as we seem to make it. What exactly does it mean?

A moral inventory. Search yourself and find out what kind of moral individual you are.
To look at that I am lead to the Bible and Galatians 5:22-23, which lists the Fruits of the Spirit:
love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Do I practice these in my life?

In stark opposition to the Fruits of the Spirit are the works of the flesh. These are listed in Galatians 5:19-21: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like.
Do I practice these?

Now, we are not told to make a cursory scan of our lives; rather we are told to make a searching, or in depth, inventory. And to do this we need to be fearless. We cannot be afraid of what we find. In this step we are merely making a list. Yes, it is a hard list, but until we address these issues, we cannot become whole.

What did I find, or am finding, in my inventory? Well, I basically have love, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and for the most part gentleness in my life, I am short on longsuffering (patience) joy, peace, gentleness and self control. These are fruits I must work on.

I looked at the works of the flesh: being sexually unfaithful, not being pure, taking part in sexual sins, worshiping gods, doing witchcraft, hating, making trouble, being jealous, being angry, being selfish, making people angry with each other, causing divisions among people, feeling envy, murders, being drunk, having wild and wasteful parties, and doing other things like these." Which of these do I have going on in my life? We can eliminate the sexual ones right off and the only god I worship is the Lord God Jehovah. I don't do witchcraft, heck I don't even read the horoscope! Hating, making trouble, being jealous, being angry, being selfish, feeling envy....ummmm, okay here are some things I really need to work on. I don't know that I make people angry with each other or cause divisions among people. However, I have noticed that occasionally I do just that. I will, without realizing it, I have said something about someone for the singular purpose of making the person I'm talking to think less of the person I'm talking about. I've especially noticed this within my family. Just another way to make ME look better, perhaps. Isn't that what we do? We cut others down, and get them to fussing between themselves, that way you can control them a little better because you can come across as wonderful when you can make peace between them, even though you started the problem in the first place.

Oh, did you see what I said. A way to control them. That is what it all boils down to. Our/my desire to be in control. I suppose you might say that I am a control freak. Wow.

I have something I say when dealing with people when they bring their drama. "I'm not their Mama." Now, my husband, for example is diabetic. He is overweight and doesn't watch his diet like he should, but I don't nag him or try to make him eat 'right' 'cause I'm not his Mama. But when it comes to my qualifier daughter, well I am her Mama. So that means I'm supposed to tell her what to do, and she is supposed to do it, right? Well, yes, when she was 5 years old, but she is an adult now.

So there you are. The things I need to work on: getting more joy, peace, gentleness and self control in my life and less being jealous, being angry, being selfish, feeling envy. Mostly, I need to work of not always being in control of everything, and that means to cut the cord with my daughter. I'm her Mama, yes, but being a good Mama at this point means letting go. So hard to do.

Oh, and those other things; murders, being drunk, having wild and wasteful parties, and doing other things like these, I don't do those things either. My drunken party days are long gone.

Step Four

My share

Becoming involved with Al-anon and CODA taught me I wasn't blame free. I started my fourth step using the Blueprint for Progress and the help of my therapist. I had to really review the items in the workbook and get honest. When I felt myself kind of not being honest while doing the work, I would stop, pray and try again. I know alot more about me now then I ever did and some of it I didn't like at all. I discovered just how crazy controling, judgemental, bitter and angry I can and have been. I can be very critical of others attempts at doing anything and it is beyond me to ask for help, I also learned that I never keep a boundary. I am thankful for the workbook which spurred me into actually doing step 4 and not just contemplating it. I am grateful to know where my charachter defaults lie and also what my good qualities are.

 

Step four questions

What has prevented me from working step four? - I was afraid to look at, find out the truth about me and then do something to make a change.

How is step four helping me to accept myself? - I am not perfect, but I can be better and there are lots of good things about me not just bad.

What benefits do I gain by completing a step four inventory? - Having a list of things to constantly work on, learn about and grow from.

How do I know when Im ready to move on to my step four? - I think that is a personal thing, I think your gut tells you, I had help from Al-anon members and my therapist.

What role has a sponsor played in my willingness to do this? - Encouraging me to review and read and learn about this step as much as possible and talk with my professional on my anxiety and fear of this step.

In what ways are my character defects a distortion of my good traits? - I think they determine who I am when in fact that is not true.

How has step four change the way I understand the disease of alcoholism? - Some, it helped me to stop blaming all my problems on my RAH and get to doing something for me and about me

In what way do secrets hurt  my recovery?  - They keep me sick, sick with guilt, shame, blame, sorrow, resentments.

 In what way is denial perpetrated my character defects? -

How has working step four changed me? - I am getting stronger everyday, when a character defect rears it's ugly head I know what it is and can stop and think first.