STEP ONE ALANON

hotrod · Guru

STEP ONE ALANON

Letitgo · Newbie

Growing up my young sister had a drinking problem and I always was the one to fix everything. Then I went away to college and back home my sister was still drinking and she got into trouble but this time I wasn't there to fix it. I remember my mother saying to me "if you were here this wouldn't have happened." I have been chasing these words my whole life. I went on to marry an alcoholic (married 14 years), who I've been trying to fix. We are getting a divorce, but I started dating someone (I worked with this person and had feelings for them for a long time)and it turns out this person is also an alcoholic. We dated for 5 weeks, when he decided to get help and went to rehab. When he got out of rehab he told me, he can't be in a new relationship at least the first year of recovery. This was a heart breaker for me. I started alanon right away. Which has opened up my eyes in so many areas of my life. I have finally realized that I am powerless over alcohol, people, places, and things.

hotrod · Guru

Welcome letitgo Thank you for sharing your process and the decison to surrender to the First Step. Being powerless is a great gift and although we are powerless over people,places and things I found I was not helpless. Please keep showing up and taking care of yourself

Shosh18 · Newbie

My share - Step One:

When I discovered alanon, I could see that my life was unmanageable in many areas like relationships, work, finances, emotions, goals, exercise. I was taking on too much of some and not enough of the other and I was fixed on the idea that my abf was the main underlying reason for all of this. Somehow it was his fault through his drinking, the way he (mis)treated me, his procrastination etc. However, after reading some other shares, going to a few f2f meetings including an AA meeting and really giving this step some serious thought, I came to see that blaming my abf was the biggest barrier in making my life unmanageable! This was really mind blowing at first to think that I had sabotaged myself, wasted all these years, bla bla bla. Then I saw that I was allowing my abf and others to dictate the how/where/when/why of my happiness rather than seeing that I alone am responsible for my happiness and my happiness lies within my choices and actions not anyone else's. Once I realised this, I felt Step One melting into me, rather than washing over me. The truth of my powerlessness over alcohol led me to see that to continue in the same path would mean that I am wasting more of my precious life trying to help him stop drinking.

I was raised that there is no such thing as 'can't'. My well intended father pushed me toward perfectionism and still tries to. So I had this crazy idea through my 20s and 30s that failure was totally unacceptable and if I persisted, I could find a way to fix it. I learned a long time ago that these ideas are impossibly unrealistic and I spent years trying to retrain my brain by deliberately making mistakes so that I could teach myself that if something does not work out as hoped/planned/expected, it is actually an opportunity for positive growth and change.

Funnily enough, I never applied any of this new way of thinking to my relationships and so, now as I look back, it does not surprise now to see I have let myself be the scapegoat in the family, and put up with a lot of stuff that I never should have because I was the 'strong' one who would make it right as everyone came to expect I would not give up. I can see this has meant that key people in my life have never had to take responsibility for their issues/faults/problems. I would not say that I was ever a control freak and I don't think anyone who knows me would describe me like that but I do think that they would say that I am dependable, a great problem solver and I will always hang in there until we find a solution, we being I!

Having a realisation that I am actually powerless over alcohol is incredibly freeing and I feel joy on such a deep level it is like my soul is smiling and my heart is singing. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to fix my abf, I don't have to put up with his abuse or manipulation, and I don't have to accept his controlling behaviours and change myself to accommodate or placate him nor do I have to try to 'fix' him so that we can be happy. I have power only over me and I am the only person who can make myself happy. Thinking about Step one has made me think of my values, what I want to stand for in this life, the kind of person I want to be, acceptance and letting go, stopping the tug-of-war and dropping the rope and just focusing on me, how I want to be treated and being true to all of that.

hotrod · Guru

Dear Shosh,Thank you so much for sharing your inner thoughts and feelings regarding Step One. I thought it was my job to take care of others regardless of the cost to myself. The gift of step one and this program is truly priceless.

Understanding powerlessness, and being willing to surrender is huge I salute your efforts. I am glad that you are sharing the journey

cloudskies · Member

YAYYYYYYY, THANK YOU, JOHN for helping me with my log in.

Thank you hotrod for starting the step work.

STEP ONE 1

We admitted we were powerless over ALCOHOL and our lives had become unmanageable

My Share

After so many years of pleading, begging, nagging, bitching, yelling, screaming, threatening, and raging like an absolute lunatic, I finally understand that I am absolutely powerless over alcohol. And, even though I know this, I continue at times to try and control it. I am realizing that not only is the alcoholic a manipulative person, but also the people who are touched by this disease become very manipulative. I have to ask my God to help me with this on a daily basis.

It has been about four months since I walked through the doors of Al-Anon. I attend meetings weekly and I work my steps daily. I am doing so much better. I feel hopeful for myself. The clouds of depression seemed to have abated for a time or maybe the clouds dont seem so thick. My mind is clear or I should say clearer than it has been in a very long time. Words cannot express my gratitude to my God for this.

I no longer feel so isolated. I am beginning to open up to family members about my life, and my faith in my God and Al-Anon family has helped me with this.

I am tired of the fight. I no longer wish to fight a battle that I know I can never win, so Im letting go and letting God fight this battle.

-- Edited by cloudskies on Saturday 30th of August 2014 05:23:30 PM

hotrod · Guru

Hi LInda Thank you for your honesty and wisdom. The First Step is the bed rock of this program I appreciate your sharing the journey.

simplysno · Newbie

I have been to Alanon groups in/and out four different times but never worked the steps. I'm back in again thinking that beginning work on the Steps is long overdue. In reading your insights and the how you have internalized Step 1 so deeply that it has brought you peace-how did you get there? I fully acknowledge I am powerless over alcohol as a child of alcoholic parents and a parent of two addicted adult children. That's as far as I can seem to get in Step 1.

hotrod · Guru

Marie It is all a process and takes time and some effort. I attended a meeting every day for over 2 years, I used the slogans continually as a springboard to the Steps and practiced the 10 thand 11 th Step each night That worked for me One day at e time I changed Please keep coming back you are worth it

shoot-the-rapids · Newbie

I've just joined this group. I really need to start working the program. I am the grandchild of 3 alcoholics/addicts. My mother is a recovering alcoholic/addict who is bi-polar. My uncle is a recovering alcoholic and when I was in my early 20s, I was first on the scene after he tried to commit suicide. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict who is 3 years sober. And my 16-year-old daughter, who battles depression and suicidal ideation, has just completed a month at a treatment facility and is back home.

My goal is to embrace Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over ALCOHOL and our lives had become unmanageable.

My whole life I've been a life-raft in a sea of sinking people who were drowning in alcohol, depression, and their turbulent lives. I've played detective, I've mediated, I've consoled, I've yelled, I've bawled, I've begged. None of it helped. And I've been under a blue cloud of depression and anxiety, worrying every minute about my daughter.

I need to admit that I am powerless and to find a higher power. I need to focus on my health. I can no longer be a sponge, soaking in everyone's problems and emotions. It's taking a serious toll and I need to find happiness. So, here we go...

pab · Newbie

I just can't get step one. I know I am powerless over alcohol, but I still feel like it is my duty to fix everything and eveybody. When that doesn't work I try to blame myself by blaming others for how things turned out. I can't just let it go. This has to be someone's fault their has to be a reason. I know I need to let it go but while reading the big book of Alanon I always seem to try to apply it to so many other things in my life that I become depressed and confused. Is it best to just focus on one problem at a time? How do you suggest starting the 1st step?

hotrod · Guru

pab and shoot the rapids I do understand the difficulty with the First Step. Trying to save people, trying to control so I would be safe, blaming others when it did not work and feeling as if I was inadequate that I could not fix the situations are all familiar feeling that I can identify with.

When I finally accepted Step 1, I had reached a place where I was defeated I had tried everything and it did not work. It was not just with the alcoholic it was with my friends, family, job. I finally saw that the program and first step meant that I was powerless over it all. I could not control, fix, or save anyone but myself. That if I wanted to become sane, I needed to admit I was powerless over people places and things and then relearn how to live so I could take care of myself, love others and have a life That is where the remaining Steps came in I could no have done any of this without meeting and a sponsor so please keep coming back and find face to face meetings It does work and you are worth it

Betty

pab · Newbie

I feel defeated just like you describe. Like I am letting everyone down. I know I only have control over ME. But I don't want to rock the boat. I don't like confrontation or disharmony. My folks can't get along with my husband and I am always the negotiator. How do you get out? My husband has been sober for 17 years and I still feel like I am enabling him. But we have been through a lot, including losing our daughter and I feel I have to be the "strong" one. Until he wants to get into with my folks and seems to have no respect for my feelings. And the truth is my parents are hard to deal with. That is putting it mildly. What is my role? Who knows. The reason I came to alanon recently is because of my son's alcoholism. Seems like I'm in charge of everybody.

hotrod · Guru

Just try to keep coming back . We are powerless and it takes time to abosrb this .

Use the serenity prayer, the slogans :One day at a time abd "Let go and let god" when in crisis. Soon you will be able to obtain the acceptance necesary to surrender.

We are not helpless so when we admit powerlessness over others we can then start to help ourselves.

LearningToTrust · Newbie

hotrod wrote:
STEP ONE 1
We admitted we were powerless over ALCOHOL and our lives had become unmanageable
ODAT PAGE 32
"TAKING THE FIRST STEP IS NOT THE MATTER OF READING THE WORDS--BUT OF IMPRESSING THEM SO DEEPLY ON OUR CONSCINESS THAT THAT THE ADMITTING WILL BE ESTABLISHED AS PART OF OUR THINKING AND FEELING. IF WE REALLY ARE ACCEPTING OF THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO COMPEL ANOTHER TO STOP DRINKING THEN OUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS WILL FOLLOW
My Share
I have been in program for many, many years and today this step is part of how I think, feel and my belief system. I know to my core that I am powerless over people, places and things and that the best I can do is to take care of myself in a healthy fashion. Before program this was not true. I had been brought up to believe that I was all-powerful and that any negative action on my part caused others misery and pain . That I was responsible for their happiness and well-being. That thinking about myself and my needs was selfish and that in order to be a compassionate, generous person I needed to continue to think of others and negate myself. I learned that lesson well and believed to my core that if I took care of others in a kind and generous fashion they would turn around and reciprocate.
What a surprise when I married an alcoholic, and tried to apply these tools. It was not long before I discovered that no matter how kind, generous, understanding and loving I was, I could not force him to change. I could not make him stop spending money that we didnt have and care about the well-being of our family. In fact I learned , that my kindness generosity and apparent compassion were all just manipulative tools that I used to attempt to get my own way. I did not know any better and did not have any constructive tools to live my life. I thought that there was something wrong with me and I had failed and so desperate for some answers, and having tried everything else I tried the doors of Al-Anon and I am so grateful that I did.
Keywords that I live by today areAacceptance of life on lifes terms and that I am powerless over people places and things. A Higher Power will guide my life if I allow it. The freedom that this program is giving me is a fantastic gift and I urge you to embark on this journey one step at a time.
STEP 1 QUESTIONS:
What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

I so appreciate this post.

I am coming back to Al-anon after almost ten years of being absent from attending regular meetings. I knew that the message and help provided within this program were the absolute best advice and direction I had ever been given but somehow, I got lost as to where I truly fit. i tried all kinds of meetings and found ways I could relate to many different people and their struggles and I knew I needed the same solution for my form of insanity as I tried controlling everything out of my control while being clueless to the things I truly had the power to control and feeling painfully lost in knowing that I did not have the wisdom to know the difference.

Over and over, people would ask me why I go to the meetings... They would say, wait, you don't drink? Or, you don't have an alcoholic in your life? etc etc etc... Why are you here?

Even now, i am confused by the steps being seemingly different titles al-anon and adult children of alcoholics.. I guess as a struggling individual who is still more fueled by fear than I care to even admit ... my attempts to "get it right" Leave me anxious about where I am supposed to participate.

If EVER, I have known that my life is unmanageable, it is now.

The fact that my grandkids are involved and under incredible threat causes my ability to know what I am responsible for and what I am powerless over to be difficult to navigate. And yet, if I don't find my way to live in the solution instead of the disease, I will not help anyone... Not even my grandkids...

I find I have to start over with this because like these readings instruct, it is not just saying what is true, even though that is a starting point. The importance of getting to the point that I "know it" intimately ... and that this "knowing" leads to healthy, mature, reasonable and responsible actions that acknowledge and rest in God's care and control rather than my desperate attempts at it... I need changes in my attitudes and behaviors...

Fear and anxiety work like alcohol or drugs in my system. When fear triggers my body and my mind into action, I become insane in my attempts to control people, places and things and I am like a guided missile, unable to let go of my death grip of the thing I think needs to happen so everyone can be safe.

I am in a storm of great and credible threat today coming at me from many fronts. My life is truly unmanageable. I can't keep doing what comes natural to me. I need to admit, to the deepest part of my reactive desperation that I am powerless over people, places and things.... There is a God and it isn't me... help is available, I need to be willing to learn what that is and how it works...

It hurts to be here... This is what is true but I can't think of a more helpful or hopeful place to be ... Even though this powerlessness hurts like hell today.

Thank you for providing a place for me to share...

hotrod · Guru

Dear Learning to Trust Thank you for your powerful, honest, and so very touching share. I agree, in the beginning, it does hurt to be here, but I found, over time it hurt ore not be here. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and have tried the Acoa Steps and meetings and found I could relate more to the alanon program. I found more serenity and answers in this program. It is an individual choice so try alanon once again, know you are not alone and there is help . We are dealing with a dreadful , painful progressive disease. We cannot do this alone and I am glad you returned .

Debb · Member

I began Step One in May of this year, it was a huge relief admitting I was powerless over AH's drinking I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn't control the situation because AH was blaming me for everything and I believed him for 10 long years. My emotions have become so much more stable and less self conscious, I worry less about finances, my spirituality has been enhanced and I am able to get back to studying my Zen books, my relationship with my HP is much more trusting in that I realize that the hardships were lessons that were for my own good and which have helped me to become wiser and more self reliant. I am presently working on my physical and mental health, and my career and relationships with my co-workers and supervisors are much more relaxed, in spite of the industry stresses. I enjoy much more conversing everyday with 60+ old high school classmates on FB, gardening, my cats, reading, staying in touch with my family and MIP. I definitely felt happier after completing step one ... I feel like I have come full circle!!

hotrod · Guru

Dear Deb I agree working Step 1 does set us free. The freedom that you are experiencing is a true gift of this program. Please keep on shoiwng up and working these Steps. You are on your way

Spurs · Newbie

I'm unsure on how to start working the steps. Do I need a book or workbook?

hotrod · Guru

Hi Spurs ,welcome to Miracles in Progress. It is always suggested that we begin to work the steps with a sponsor. There are workbooks such as:"How Al-Anon works and "When I got busy I got better". There are also daily readers such as the Courage to Change in the ODA T. All this literature can be found at alanon meetings.
This board is a supplement to all of that. It also gives newcomers idea of how the steps work and the thoughts behind them. If you'd like you can share your thoughts on this step. And keep coming back.

el-cee · Member

I can relate to your share hotrod. I was very much like you describe, hyper sensitive to others moods and always trying to please and keep the peace. Always unmanageable.
My life is still unmanageable In some areas, in most areas there are bits that are unmanageable. I can find it difficult to control my emotions at times, I tend to build resentments and focus on them for a while until I realise and can use the tools to get myself back on track.
Financially, I am on top of my bills but I have trouble saving and I can spend in an unhealthy way at times, I just do what I want and think about how much ive spent later and then I can regret it.
Spiritually, im inconsistent at the moment, ive missed my meetings last week but ive kept up my readings and ive been making a point of working on it on a sunday which has been making me feel better.
my health is ok, ive been going to the gym 3 times a week for the last 2 months, you should see my arm muscles, lol but my diet can be hit or miss, I crave sweet things and again I can have this rebellious bit inside where il just do what I want in that moment and never mind the consequences, my will I suppose.
my career is good but I can procrastinate badly at times, again its linked with me doing what I feel like rather than what I need to do, I can see a pattern, this is working already.

For fun and enjoyment, well as you can see from above, quiet a lot of it, just not at the right times. I enjoy the gym, I go with an alanon friend and its fun, I eat out and meet up with friends quite a lot, I spend time with my 3 kids, cook big dinner on a sunday, watch history or nature or art programmes.
My relationships with my kids right now is good. Much healthier, with healthier boundaries and some distance emotionally. Im the best mother I have ever been, ive let go a good bit and I let them lead their own lifes. Ive still got
fears that can build up and I can become unmanageable but if I keep myself I the day im ok.

my coworkers can annoy the life out of me, im still immature at times and I want things done my way and them to see things my way, I can get resentful and intolerant at times and again my life can become unmanageable. Im not feeling isolated and I enjoy being alone a lot of the time.
I am not consistent in my mind set, when im working my program and do the work I notice the difference. Im holding me responsible for all of it really, whjch could be an asset but I can be hard on me due to my perfectionism.im trying to accept me and the bits I dont have power over and ask for help with those parts.
im resentful about me more than anything but I project it onto others, I knkw its wrong but I find it hard to stop at the moment. Imy resentment and I tolerance and other shortcomings wont go away, I try but they cime back all the time. I dont know if I need to get to the point of surrender before I have a chance of getting rid of them.
at the moment my biggest issue is me, im not working the program as well as I could or should and my old behaviours creep in and I hate myself for it and I know that is wrong and takes away my self worth. I cant seem to accept myself for who ia am right now and I behave badly at times as if to justify my own self hate. Ive got so much to be grateful for yet im not happy, so that makes me angry at myself too.

hotrod · Guru

Dear LC this is a powerful share. I believe it encompassed more than just the First Step, as it was filled with much honesty and clarity. I saw great awareness of your negative behaviors and I believe you have truly performed a fourth and fifth step in this process. I just returned from a six step meeting in which we discussed:"Becoming entirely ready to have our defects lifted". Everybody explained how the negative tools disappear for a time seem to lessen and then come back. Seeing the process, attending meetings, examining our motives is what makes us entirely ready to have HP remove our defects in Step Seven. You are growing and changing daily. Keep on working your program and by the end of the year you will be amazed how far you have traveled.

As I read your share I was reminded of the statement that says :if you want to know HOW Al-Anon works just use the word HOW. Honest, Open and Willing. I see you doing that each dayand I am happy to be sharing this journey.
Betty

ryanhearted · Member

I know this step is past, but I felt the need to work it. I will also work step 2, then 3 in the next few days. I hope this is ok.

STEP 1 QUESTIONS:

What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

Some areas that reflect unmanageability include almost everything in my home. It is sad that I have been working the program, yet not working it as I havent completed these steps, and I am working like a crazy woman. Part of the problem with that is that I am used to a certain salary and I need to make a change, but its hard when our life is based around that salary. My emotions tend to be bottled up so much still, despite the fact that my AH is going to meetings, and staying sober. My spirituality depends on when I take the time for it within my life. Which is minimal. I still struggle with taking the time for myself. I am a giver beyond belief. And thus, when it comes to having fun, pleasure and enjoyment, that is quite hard to find. So, reflecting upon this makes/helps me realize how much more work I have to do on me.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Unfortunately, I feel very alone and isolated. I even get tired of hearing myself when I am around my friends and family, as its all about how I can change my job and help my life become a better one. I seem to be talking, and not doing. Although I am doing. I have been on many interviews and feel as though I am an expert on that now! But my relationships are a bit tenuous, I think because I am feeling boring and constantly whining. My friends do support me, but Im worried that I am going to lose those friendships due to my constant whining.

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

My answers to all these questions feel like I am obviously off tract. I am holding everyone else responsible, yet I know that I have a part in it all. Im not sure how to take back my control over me and myself, my actions, my thoughts. They feel so reactive, not pro-active. So, I am holding myself responsible, not anyone else. Yet I dont know how to make myself be positive and who I know I can be.

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

I know that I am feeling very resentful about my coworker, and how my job is going. I have been in this situation, which is short-staffed and in a very negative environment, for over 3 years now and it is taking quite a toll on me and my family. Obviously it kept me tolerating my husband and his drinking. I feel that I have to change my job, to get a lifestyle back that is more normal and not quite so demanding all the time. I work easily over 50 hours a week, including weekends and nights, etc. I am trapped due to money at the moment. Any other job I get will be a pay cut. But I also know that there are changes that we can make to accommodate the pay decrease. Unfortunately, we have tied up a lot of money into houseflipping, on top of everything else. Talk about stress! It has helped my AH, as it gives him something to focus on besides alcohol. But the stress it has put upon our life feels as though it is too much, which is keeping me in this job that is too much. Im not sure how to change it. We are going to talk about how to change this situation, which feels very unhealthy. The thing that makes this hard is that we both enjoy house-flipping. It just is that it came at a time that is obviously not a good time. When is it ever? But with my job consuming so much of my time, we are leaving a lot in the hands of a man who hasnt been sober a year! How crazy am I for that? Obviously I am feeling angry at myself and my choices. I am unsure how to fix all of this.

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

I think I answered a lot of this in the previous question. Except for what propelled me to attend a twelve step group was my AH. I knew that I couldnt live with him without doing something to help myself. I think that was the most loving nurturing thing I couldve done for myself. I also made the mistake of getting a dog, which I did in haste, and I regret, as this is not a calm dog, and she probably will never be. I am even considering a dog psychologist, as she is such an intense dog. I feel as though I keep making mistakes and acting in haste, which is why I am trying so hard to not change my job in haste and make yet another mistake that affects my life in such a negative way.

hotrod · Guru

Hello Lisa Thanks for joining our Step study and sharing with such honesty. Your awareness is refreshing and by working these Steps I know you will find that you will no longr react but act in your own best interest.
Betty

rainbowsteps · Newbie

STEP ONE 1

We admitted we were powerless over ALCOHOL and our lives had become unmanageable

These past few days has made me realise how true it is that I am powerless over alcohol and how unmanageable my life has become.

STEP 1 QUESTIONS:

What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?

My Share
Recently, my A became unpredictable and physical safety became an issue that I had to address for the first time ever. It was difficult to cope with the sea of emotions that swept over me when it happened (shock, denial, anger, fear, love, sadness, despair, frustration, disgust). With the encouragement and support of some wonderful people at MIP, I was able to pull myself together, develop an action plan and execute it and then put my trust in my HP that it will work and I will be okay. I am trying to take it moment by moment, hour by hour and not think beyond that. My career and finances will hold up as long as I do. Not much fun at the moment but connecting with close friends did give me some pleasure because we had some funny moments despite the gravity of the situation. In terms of my other relationships, some key family relationships have suffered over the years which I attribute to each person involved, not just me. For my part, I can see that I was a bit too reactive and sensitive to feeling misunderstood and judged and I didn't appreciate that since they did not walk my path they could not possibly understand what it is really like to be affected by the craziness and insanity of A. I feel guilty at times for the impact my lack of insight could have had on some of the people I love but I can also see that they had their own issues and some of them were bullying and manipulating me because I had lost so much confidence.

I used to hold others responsible for how I was feeling but now I know that I am the only person who is responsible for my own happiness and that I cannot live life being scared of what others might think of me by being a people pleaser. It just leads to resentment deep down that spills out in others ways and makes other areas of my life unmanageable. I would rather be alone and true to myself these days than live how I was trying to make everything right for my A and everyone else. I can also see that I had unrealistic expectation and by lowering my standards to a more realistic level that my life is becoming more management. This has meant accepting that I am powerless over my A's drinking, there is no point in worrying about him dying from A and that any situation influenced by A is completely outside of my control and I should just disengage and walk away. I may love my A but I do not love his behaviour and his mind is being pickled by the alcohol. To make my life more manageable I am going to have to accept and let go of this man I love because alcohol is making my life with him too unpredictable in a bad and dangerous way. I feel I have no choice but to end the relationship and maintain my position in that, not weaken and sweep it under the carpet because he talks me round, or may love? him or am scared to live my life without him. The only person trapping me is me. My attitude is what has to keep changing to move forward with detached love and focus on what I can control in my life, which is living by my values, and changing what is within my control to change, which is making decisions that will increase my love of life not my suffering because I have some deluded idea that I can change/help him and I must persist because I love him. I would not want my children to put up with being abused. Why would I have different standards for myself just because he has a problem with alcohol and I feel sad for him. I most want to say something to my mother and father because I feel that they set me up for all of this with the way they raised me. However, I won't get the opportunity to say anything because my mother is dead and the last time I tried to speak up for myself about this kinda stuff in response to something they had done that hurt me, they disowned me for being disrespectful, so I don't (and would rather not) have any contact with my father. He is a narcissist and a bully and I am much better off to forgive him and let my relationship with him go because he is old and set in his ways and really does not know any better because that is typical of his generation's thinking.

I came to MIP and 12 step program because my life had become completely unmanageable, I was miserable and I thought I was going to go crazy if I didn't get some help. Since then, I have become more aware of the issues of codependence that were keeping me stuck in the madness of it all, and I have begun working hard on my recovery. I realise that it is going to take a lot of work from me but I am up for it because no matter how hard things have got, I feel better about myself than I have in a long time so I know that my HP has led me on a path that is good for me and my future.

hotrod · Guru

Dear rainbowsteps thank you for your honesty and insights. I too found alanon at the darkest moments of my life. I am so pleased that you are working the Steps as they are our "steps" to freedom.
Please keep coming back.

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.