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Post Info TOPIC: Alanon Step One 1-1-2019 (12 31)-


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Alanon Step One 1-1-2019 (12 31)-


Step One WE admitted we were powerless over  alcohol -- that our lives had  become unmanageable
 
C2C page 240  When I  was dealing with alcoholism without the help of Alanon i developed coping skills 
that are no longer enough    Alanon is teaching me a new set of skills  i will try to be patient with myself as i  learn these new tools 
 
My share
at the beginning of this recovery journey, admitting  my powerlessness was certainly  challenging . Today after many years of accepting the facts of my powerlessness  over others I find  is a great  gift
 
.  I have learned to keep the focus on myself  by preparing gratitude and asset list .  
During the process of admitting my powerlessness, I developed a true and powerful. Faith in a power greater than myself that today I can:call for guidance and courage.
The Al-Anon slogan that reminds us to; "keep coming back." Is indeed a fantastic weapon against this dreadful disease.
 
Step one questions
 
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons behavior?
 
How well do I take care myself?
 
What is the difference between pity and love?
 
How do I feel when I'm alone?

How do I know in my life is unmanageable ?
 
Do I take care of others easily find it difficult to care for myself is
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

r


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Betty


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Good morning Betty! Thank you for your service. As I consider this program and what I've gain by doing my best to live it and work it, I am forever grateful for Step One...

I too struggled to accept powerlessness. With many years of unhealthy habits and ways of coping, old habits were entrenched deeply. I felt the term and admission of powerlessness was admitting failure, weakness, or the like. I did not trust others or God at that time to realize that accepting and admitting powerlessness is actually empowering, humbling, life-changing!

It took time for me to realize I could not control, change, cure another - related to this disease or any other. I was and remain powerless over alcohol - consuming it, engaging with it in others, store displays, commercials, etc. For me, my powerlessness is larger than the alcohol so I often just consider mind-altering substances.

Today, I practice living life one day at a time, reminding myself each morning that I am powerless over all other people, places and things. I practice taking care of me one day at a time, to include physical, emotional, spiritual and mental needs. I pray for those I love who are battling this disease, directly or indirectly. My prayer list is greater to include those I have harmed or have been harmed by as well as those who are in recovery and/or not yet in recovery.

Starting my day 'the program way' is an important part of my self-care. I believe when I am spiritually fit, I can deal and heal from 'life' in healthier ways. When I feel compelled to open my mouth to advise, counsel, suggest 'fixes' in others, I practice pausing instead to pray and consider a healthy response vs. a habitual reaction.

I am grateful that my focus today is better aligned with the Serenity Prayer - focusing on what I can change (me) vs. what's not mine to change. I practice unconditional love and acceptance and no longer pity others, instead offering them to my HP for his will vs. my own. Step One gives me the ability to own I am not responsible for anyone, but me and when I dabble in the will and lives of others, I am inviting chaos, drama a/k/a unmanageable events back into my life.

Again, thank you for your service and Happiest of New Year to you and yours!

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~~~Serenity is not the absence of turmoil but the ability to deal with it.~~~



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Good Morning IAH Thank you for sharing your considerable wisdom regarding this important Step. No matter how long i am in program I still grow from reading or hearing another member's ESH
Happy New Year

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Betty


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hey Betty thank you for your service....GREAT questions

 

 
 *Yes, I can accept that I am powerless over another person, or place or situation, etc.
 
 *Taking care of me waaaay better , guess I am beginning to love/accept me
 
 *I used to not understand that pity is NOT love, it is like , to me, sorta of a CoDa response to someone who is down or hurting or whatever, its not healthy because pity usually caused me to think I had to fix/rescue the person...Love is letting them do what they can do, not enabling them, letting them learn their lessons, an IF they need a boost, no worries, i will encourage, support, etc., but they have to want to help themselves...
 
*Used to hate being alone, now its OK..i am more OK being with just me

 *I can tell my life is unmanageable but the anger, fear, frustration i feel...then its time to work the steps/slogans to get me back on track and realize that I do have choices..i can cast the burden...step back...get help...reach out...research...get on board and get ESH from others
 
*Used to have trouble caring for myself (didn't think I deserved it) but no trouble caring for others


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Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up


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Hi Rose thanks for sharing your thoughts on this important Step



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Betty


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Hi Betty, Hi all here. This is a big new step for me. So without further ado here we go:

*yes, I accept that I cannot control my AH behavior. Only he can.
* I dont care well for myself at all. I go in fits and spurts where I decided Im going to eat better, exercise, even ride my horses, but then life gets busy and others expectations of me get the better of me and I bowto them. I must learn to stop.
*Without looking things up, I feel that pity comes from a place of love but is not a replacement for love. To have pity on someone to me means you feel bad for that person because of their circumstances at the time. If you do not love, you cannot have pity either.
*I actually love being alone. At least for a time. No one expects anything of me or from me except maybe my pets. And they dont require much and give back ten fold.
*it is difficult for me to admit when my life is unmanageable. At times I feel overwhelmed and at those moments I guess it is unmanageable but things always seem better the next morning in the light of a new day.
*As a veterinarian as well as a mother it is soooo much easier for me to take care of others before myself.

Carol

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!

 

Hunter S. Thompson

 



-- Edited by Vetmom00 on Sunday 6th of January 2019 03:07:57 AM

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Hi Hunter Thank you for your honesty . I appreciate your joining in and looking so deeply within to uncover how we all tend to make our needs invisible and care for others.
We do a Step a month here so please keep coming back



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Betty


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Hi all and thank you Betty for the questions. I'll take those to guide my share.
Step one questions

Do I accept that I cannot control another persons behavior?
Lately, no. So I do need Alanon. My Alanon journey started a long time ago. Yet at times I slide into that old river of "denial."

How well do I take care myself?
At times I have had big challenges in that department. By returning to Alanon, going back to work, trusting more, fearing less, and working "the program" life's not such a burden lately.

What is the difference between pity and love?
Hmm. Good question. I do not like to be pitied, I know that. So it is treating someone with a kind of belittling, disrespect. It is seeing only part of the picture of who someone is. Love is having an open heart and seeing the whole person as I would want to be seen with assets and challenges, not perfect but having possibilities for life now and in the future.

How do I feel when I'm alone?
I really like being alone.

How do I know in my life is unmanageable ?
Good question. If I start obsessing about someone or something, that's a good indication. If I try and try to change something without any effect. If others start distancing or acting concerned or angry a lot.

Do I take care of others easily find it difficult to care for myself is
To some extent. Sadly I try to care for others in a way that tends to tick them off. LOL. But that's good in one sense, because then I get to focus on myself again, which HP seems to want me to do.

Thanks for helping me to understand my Step One journey a bit more than I did before. Bye for now.
Abbey


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Hello Abbey So glad that you found us and had the courage to share your thoughts on this important Step with such honesty and clarity. We do a Step a month here so please do keep coming back , We also support a Message Board and chat room that might be helpful Here are the links

 

 

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

 



--



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Betty


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I'm pretty new to al anon, I appreciate this space and the concepts. 

Step one questions
 
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons behavior? - Yes. I understand this logically and I'm working to integrate this into my heart as well. I have always thought that if I could explain myself and my thoughts well enough that the choices of people who love me would line up with my needs. I see now that this was an illusion of having some control over a situation that I do not control. I could explain until I'm blue in the face and it doesn't ultimately change anything. I can not control with words or pleading or any of the other ways I thought seemed reasonable. It's still a challenge sometimes, but I'm making progress. 
 
How well do I take care myself? - Not as well as I wish. I am working on it though. Sometimes the self care that I can give myself is simply giving myself permission to stop what I'm doing and pee when I need to instead of waiting until I'm really uncomfortable. Self-care starting with the basics. Better than nothing. Also though I have started making steps toward financial independence, little tiny steps, but hopefully steps that will add up so that I can take care of myself without having to count on anyone else. 
 
What is the difference between pity and love? - This question has been a big can of worms for me. Wow! I have a lot to process here. For now I'll say that while thinking about this question I've realized that gradually love gave way to pity in my relationship with my partner as the grip of his alcoholism has taken hold. When I loved him I thought that I could reason with him and that he could take care of himself and treat me respectfully and be a responsible member of our household. As pity took over I felt sorry for him and blamed his childhood abuse, trauma, and alcoholism for his unreliability, irresponsibility, and abuse of me. I don't think I can be in love with him anymore, but I don't think it's good to pity him either. I look forward to learning more on this topic in alanon. 
 
How do I feel when I'm alone? Honestly, I feel guilty and anxious about having time alone but I crave it, and I need it, and I do take time alone even though it's uncomfortable. It's tough because I want to say I feel calm and relaxed and like I'm getting a good recharge on my mental battery during my alone time but the truth is that while I need the time alone it's also scary. It's hard to relax and try to forget that my alone time will inevitably be used against me later. 

How do I know in my life is unmanageable? My life is unmanageable because my mind spins around all the time worrying about the chaos and drama of someone else. I grew up with a co-dependent mother and I'm so accustomed to feeling responsible for managing the emotions of someone I love that I am just lately realizing that I have no idea how to care for myself or have reasonable boundaries. I need help.  
 
Do I take care of others easily find it difficult to care for myself is - Yes! I have often felt like I had 1,000 plates spinning in the air and that if I looked away for just one second they would all come crashing down. The plates being the needs, wants, desires, appointments, obligations, likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, fears.... of all the people in my life except for me. When I've had moments of utter breakdown from being overwhelmed I've felt selfish and stupid and weak. I do find it easier to take care of other people than myself but I'm working on it. 


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Hello Miracle soup Lovely share-- thanks for being here and participating
appreciate your honesty

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Betty


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Struggling with the 12 steps and I appreciate this forum to work through it.
 
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons behavior? As much as my codependent little self would love to control others, it is clear to me I cannot control other people's behavior, believe I have tried.
 
How well do I take care myself? I often push my needs and wants aside for everyone else, I am the caregiver to all, the fixer of everyone except myself
 
What is the difference between pity and love? apparently I do not know what love is as I have spent 20 minutes typing and erasing, but pity is feeling sorry for someone and I do know it isn't love. I know I love my children for them I would take a bullet, but I do not know for a fact if I love my AH. He has put us through so much hell with selfish behaviors it is hard for me to even explain what love is beyond that of a parent and child.
 
How do I feel when I'm alone? sometimes I enjoy the peace, but many times I find it lonely, I think I need to reshape my thoughts on being alone. 

How do I know in my life is unmanageable? I am often feeling totally exhausted by my AH's behaviors, constantly trying to control him and check to see if he is drinking or using. I thought my exhaustion was from my RA, but now I am starting to wonder if it is this emotional chaos in my life.
 
Do I take care of others easily find it difficult to care for myself? Yes, I always assume my caregiver role. I am the main caregiver to the kids and my AH rarely helps which only makes me even more resentful toward him and short tempered with my children.


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mel


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Wekcome Mel keep comjng back and sharing

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Betty


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Just starting the steps and its really hard for me. I am really happy to have found this site and I am hoping it helps me get started and stay on track


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Dear Brook, Glad you found us. I know this site has helped me and many stay on the alanon tract. Please do keep coming back

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Betty


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I have over 21 years in recovery and still struggle greatly with codependency issues. I am a drug and alcohol counselor who specializes in domestic violence due to being a survivor and the additional courses I have taken. I struggle with self-care and I am ready to start Step 1. 

Do I accept that I cannot control another persons behavior?
 Yes, I realize this is true and feel humbled enough to admit that I cannot control this. 
 
How well do I take care myself? Not very well at all, but I am ready to make changes to put myself first. 
 
What is the difference between pity and love? Pity is feeling sorry, love is wanting the best. 
 
How do I feel when I'm alone? I have finally learned to enjoy being alone and this is an area I have grown into. 

How do I know in my life is unmanageable ?
  Because over and over again, I find myself without financially and losing ground due to feeling a duty to give financially to my children even though they are grown. 
Do I take care of others easily find it difficult to care for myself 
 
Yes, I have been a care giver so long, it is difficult for me to change that role for myself. 



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Rebecca Fajardo


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Hello Rebecca Thanks for sharing with such honesty and clarity. Please do keep coming back



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Betty


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Do I accept that I cannot control another persons behavior?

This has been a tough one for me but I've accepted that nothing I can do will change his behavior and I cannot love him into sobriety. 

 

How well do I take care myself?

Not as well as I should. I've let many things go since I've been with ABF. 

 

What is the difference between pity and love? Pity is feeling sorry or sympathy for them. Love is wanting what is best for them even if it doesn't include you. 

 

How do I feel when I'm alone? 

I love having time alone. 

 

How do I know in my life is unmanageable ?

I find myself checking his apartment for bottles, checking his online activity etc.  This has to stop. 

 

Do I take care of others easily find it difficult to care for myself is

 I've always been maternal so it's very easy for me to put myself last in caring for others. 



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Hello wylady,  Thank you for your honesty and share .please do keep on keeping on. The program works That is why the site is called:" Miracles in Progress".



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Betty


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I'm fairly new to the program, and am just now attempting the steps.
Recently, I tried to make a gratitude list (from A to Z) and found that I honestly couldn't name more than six things to be grateful for! I guess my life really has become unmanageable!
I'm working on it.

Do I accept that I can't control another person's behavior? Yes, I do, but I have my moments when I find myself trying to "prevent" things in the future.

I enjoy being alone most of the time. I feel like I can concentrate on things that need to be done (cleaning, gardening, etc) so much better.

How do I know my life is unmanageable? Well, the gratitude exercise, and of course, I'm still trying to squeeze blood from turnips regarding our finances. Every time I think we're getting ahead, there's a hiccup that just throws me off balance. I need to quit blaming others. I should remind myself that he has been sober for 90 days and counting, and he is now working again and he doesn't want to lose that sobriety. Things are starting to turn for the better as long as I don't get in the way.

Do I take care of myself as well as I do others? I haven't been. I've put myself on the backburner with the excuse that our finances are too tight, it's just frivolous, he needs it more, etc. I haven't had a checkup in a good two years, and I haven't been to the dentist in at least four years. I should probably break down and get that hair appointment made, too. However, I have started with baby steps. I'm drinking more water, and starting to listen to my body better.

I think I've got my homework now.

Kellie



-- Edited by 62eagles on Friday 26th of April 2019 06:39:46 PM

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Kellie Tyson


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Hello Kellie--- Appreciate your honesty . Thanks for sharing your process with this important step I too had difficulty with a gratitude list but kept at it and today I have many items on my list and best of all I can "feel " grateful
Please do keep coming back.



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Betty
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