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Post Info TOPIC: Alanon Step 9(9-1-2019)


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1012
Date:
Alanon Step 9(9-1-2019)


STEP 9

C2C  page 299

making amends is not just saying I'm sorry-- it means responding differently from our new understanding

 

in addition

HAVE I HARMED MYSELF?  OF COARSE  I HAVE.  THIS IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO RECOVER FROM.  

BEING TRUE TO MYSELF IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS I CAN GIVE TO THOSE  AROUND ME  TO GIVE ADVISE TO OTHERS IS TO INTRUDE;TO GIVE ADVISE TO MYSELF IS  TO GROW.

 

MY SHARE

I TOO HAD TO PLACE MYSELF AT THE TOP OF THE amends LIST. BEFORE I COULD HONESTLY MAKE AMENDS TO OTHERS.  THE AMENDS I MADE TO MYSELF WAS: GOING TO MEETINGS, TREATING MYSELF WITH KINDNESS, AND COMPASSION, VALIDATING MY NEEDS, TAKING CARE OF MYSELF  FOCUSING ON MY NEEDS WORKING THE STEPS AND LIVING ONE DAY AT A TIME.  ONCE I FELT PRESENT IN MY LIFE AND COMFORTABLE WITH MY SELF ESTEEM I BEGAN TO MAKE AMENDS TO OTHERS  THE FIRST AMENDS I MADE WAS CHANGING MY BEHAVIOR TO OTHERS.  I STOPPED JUDGING THEM, GIVING ADVISE TO THEM, CRITICIZING THEM,   GOSSIPING ABOUT THEM.   I ALSO BEGAN TO GIVE without STRINGS AND TO HAVE COMPASSION WITHOUT EXPECTING PAYBACK.  THOSE WERE POWeRFUL AMENDS.   

Yes I had to give up my guilty pleasure of feeling superior to others however I gained so much more and realized that superior feeling was another illusion that I substituted for reality. My amends did not take the form of saying I am Sorry.   It took the form of changed actions and changed responses and the honesty of owning my former actions--- Big for me.

.

STEP 9 QUESTIONS

1.    What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now?

What do you need to do to take care of yourself in that relationship?

What would you say if you were free to be entirely honest with that person about your behaviors, your feelings, and what you wanted and needed?

How have you discounted yourself or not owned your power in that relationship? How have you discounted or devalued the other person?

2. What is the biggest guilt you have right now?

Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt?

3. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt. A sample affirmation might read: "I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behavior with _____, and I am now free to let the past go." We can also write a similar affirmation about forgiving others: "I have dealt with my feelings toward ____, and I have forgiven him or her. I have let go of my feelings toward him or her, and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship."

 

 

 



__________________
Betty
Bud


Newbie

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Posts: 1
Date:

Thank you for your service Betty and for your super-supportive share.

As I explore what bothers me in one of my relationships, I recognize a well-worn unhealthy pattern of not showing up for myself. I hadn't realized that I over compromised , therefore I did discount myself because I was afraid of lack of approval.

This person had an unhealthy dynamic too, and after a while discounted me as well.

My guilt is not showing up for myself and allowing a situation where another person could easily take me for granted.

My guilt is for contributing for the current state of the disintegration. (I do not own the whole state, but I can see how my behavior and actions didn't serve well.)

I need to stop beating myself up. I need to stop focusing on the hurtful words handed to me and focus on myself and doing the next right thing. I need to forgive myself and the other person and then let go and let God.

What I would like to say to the other person is how my heart feels about them. The baggage of what happens does not need to be discussed at this time. Later, much down the road if there is a coming together, how to handle similar situations with grace would be helpful.

I do love and accept myself. I accept the situation. While the current state is not what my heart desires, I do feel at peace with respect to the other person. I know my HP is guiding me and pray their HP is guiding them.

Thank you Betty

__________________


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1012
Date:

Dear Bud acceptance of my situation ( as you have done did help me to move forward). i started out "beating myself up" for hurting myself but my sponsor pointed out that 'beating ourselves up is not an alanon tool---- That helped.

Love how your "acceptance" speaks so firmly and convincingly.
Thanks for sharing the journey.



__________________
Betty
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