Here is where I really messed up.  I thought that it was enough to know and accept that there was nothing I could do about my husband's drinking.  Well, he went to treatment in August and will have 3 months sober November 9.  It is only since he came home and things are beginning to change around my house that I am realizing how unmanageable the drinking made everything.  My emotions have been all over the damn place, I have been anxious and naseaus most of the time, I have headaches nearly every day,  my concentration sucks, I smoke like a chimney, I am easily irritated, not knowing what to make for dinner is enough to depress me. I became totally powerless over the discipline of the children, as I would go to work and leave them a list, while my husband would just go the neighbor's and drink, allowing the kids to do as they wished so he would be free to drink. Some days, I want to hide in a hole, as the normal sounds of kids playing drives me crazy. The finances are getting better, but they were a mess.  I am the one who pays the bills, always have been.  How can a person literally cry after paying the bills but not be able to see that this is unmanageable?  

I am beginning to see all of the ways I have been affected and I don't like it at all.  I feel scared and weak and small and I don't know the right things to do.

Thank you for your support.  This entire process has been difficult for me, from the time I first walked in the door to visit AH at the treatment center.  My husband said it is so hard for me because I am used to being tough and independant, not feeling vulnerable and having to ask for help.  I think he's a pretty smart guy sometimes. I think one of the reasons it has been so hard for me to admit my powerlessness is because I have always thought of myself as capable and competent, I can handle anything.  That may still be true, but I think I need to add two words to that- with help.  I can handle anything, with help.  I don't like needing help, I don't like feeling vulnerable, but I need to get used to the idea that I cannot overcome all of this without it. 

Path's to Recovery-Step One pg 9 "Admitting our powerlessness may be very difficult for us.  After all, we are the competent ones who held the family, the job or the world together while the alcoholics in our lives created chaos.  How can it be that we, the responsible ones, are powerless?  In Al-Anon, we come to understand that our lives may be unmanageable because we are trying to control the people and situations in our lives.  it can be hard to conceive that our well-meaning efforts have been part of the problem, but by the time we reach Al-Anon, we are finally ready to try something, anything, new.  We have to admit that nothing we do or don't do can control another person's drinking? How can we help an alcoholic?  In Al-Anon we learn to accept the things we cannot change (the alcoholic) and change the things we can (ourselves).  To recover we have to learn to keep the focus on ourselves."

How could a that bottle of nasty alcohol or pills have more control over my life than my own self will?  I was so frustrated with that concept.  I learn through working these steps, talking with my sponsor & other al-anons, and attending meetings, that my HP had control over my life as long as I let Him.  not alcohol or pills.  Admitting powerlessness is not giving up, it is just realizing I don't have the false sense of control - I just step aside and let my HP lead the way.

Just for today, I'll follow the leading of my HP - He has more power that I - today I will trust in that power.

Rita

Some and sometimes many days I feel very accepting of my situation.

But I can also have a day or three where I miss my s/a addict intensely and long for the days when we used to have a great relationship.

He has been in 5 treatment programs in the last 3 years.

This past July I told him I was paying for the last treatment-if he did not finish the program and work his recovery I was no longer going to give him my financial support.

He left the place 3 times and returned twice. Burned that bridge 5 weeks ago and have heard nothing directly from him since. Have had reports of his whereabouts and activities from one of his friends.

Anyway, as all this relates to Step one-much of me simply hates this situation, feel like I have been robbed, like I have lost a limb.

Which is to say that I do not accept the truth, that I am resisting “what is”

That I want the truth to be something other than what it is.

So………….what to do?
Back to acceptance. Probably nothing is more vital.

There is some plan that may have a much better outcome than what was happening before.

Hello,

my name is Joyce and I'm coming up on my 26th year in Ala-non.

I am definitely powerless over my family members and to finally admit it is so freeing.For most of these 26 years I believed that since our home was so dysfunctional that it was up to me to fix my children.  Not  so! My job is to work these 12 steps and be the person my higher power would have me be.  The only person I need to be pleasing  is my higher power and through pleasing him by my behavior there may one day be hope in having relationships with those with whom I have been estranged.  In His time, not mine.

In the mean time I need to take my own inventory.  I seem to have become a clutter addict.  Thank God for the internet so I now have a place to give my stuff to others who may have a need.  I choose today to live simply so others may simply live.

Hugs and blessings, Joyce

Step One was a difficult one for me and continues to be difficult for me.  It took a long time before I really, honestly and truly believed that I was powerless over this situation.  Admitting that my life was unmanageable was easy, anybody could see that but powerless over my son was not one that I was able to wrap my brain around easily.

I walked through the doors of Al-anon not quite 2 years ago.  It was either go to Al-anon or I was going to admit myself to the psyche ward, I was literally falling apart.  I wanted them to tell me those five little words I could say to my son that would make him stop drinking and using.  After all my son is 37, intelligent and I was positive there was something I could do to fix him.  Golly gee whiz was I in for a surprise.  During that first meeting they told me that I could not fix him, I was there to fix me.  WHAT???  This was not what I wanted to hear, I'm his mom of course I could fix my child regardless of his age and there wasn't anything wrong with me I hadn't done anything wrong. 

During the next few months I realized just how sick I really was/am and I have come a long way in my recovery since that first meeting but when I get news that my son is not doing well I still get those "I gotta fix this" feelings.  Fortunately these days they don't last as long as they did at first.  The first speaker tape I listened to the lady said "I have heard many AA speakers tell their stories and have yet to hear one say I was saved by my momma".  That helped me tremendously and a long time member of AA and Al-Anon told me at a meeting last week that I will never hear an AA member get up and say "My momma made me an alcoholic". 

You see along with first step I also had to stop blaming myself for his condition.  That is a hard one when you are a mom.  We can divorce our husbands/wives, break up with our significant others but our children are our children for life.  I was raised to take care of your children and his sickness made me feel like a failure.  So the 3 C's are repeated around this house quite often still every day. 

I still slide back through the steps down back past Step 1 occasionally but with this program in me I climb back up faster every time. 

Hi all...

I have been in Alanon 6 years and began coming to this board shortly after that.   I have been away for awhile (not away from alanon tho) and thanks to John's invite and my unmanageable life, i thought it's time to 'step up' and do some more work.

When I first came to Alanon, my life was completely unmanageable.  I did not know how to live, wanted to die.  I had just left my husband, had a 3 year old, and 6 year old who was devasted that i had sent Daddy away.  I had enormous guilt, and worry over what my alcoholic would do.  Well, he went and got sober, which completely surprised the heck out of me.  But who knows what their bottom will be.  We stayed apart for 2 and 1/2 years, then decided to try our marriage again.  We have been together since.  Life was not easy, but with the help of our programs, we have gotten better , one day at a time.

Now my unmanageability revolves around my son.  I have read a few threads here that i relate to.  I have that sick love for my son.  based a lot on the guilt i felt for how i had hurt him.  i know it is wrong, i don't know how to stop.  i don't know where the line is in terms of helping, enabling.  he is having a tough time at his new school (gr. 7).  again, i am the one who made the decision to switch him because i wanted him to get to know the kids in the area before high school.  at any rate, he has been very sad.....alcoholism taught me to take other people's feelings as my own.....there is no distinction.  you are sad, i must be sad.  you feel anger, oh, i must be angry too.  when we were apart, i was better at dealing with separating (detaching) from other people's feelings..........but especially with my kids, i am having a hard time. 

that is my unmanageability.  now i am admitting that to you, to God and to myself, that my life is unmanageable and that i am powerless.

a new beginning i hope as i endeavour to work these twelve steps with you guys.

jo

Wow - There is much I can relate to here. Thanks to John's invite, I decided to come check this place out again - I was never a "regular" poster before, but maybe it's time. 

I've never attended a "live" meeting of Al-anon or CODA or OEA, but, I have attended some online ones.

I'm an ACOA, who is the child of ACOAs.  Alcohol and alcoholism have always been a part of my life.

My dad's parents were both A's. My mom's father was a nasty A, and her mom was a typical Codependent.

My parents are social As. My mom is the emotional gatekeeper. My dad was kept away from us in part by her, as she struggled to be in control and keep everyone happy. I love her dearly, and my dad too. There isn't any negativity from my childhood - at least not overt negativity.

I learned not to talk about things that would rock the boat, as a child. I learned that negative feelings were scary. I learned that it was all important to keep things on an even keel, no matter what.

Now, my dh is a social A. He isn't abusive. He doesn't miss work or lose jobs. But he does drink every day.

Our marriage is rough. I'm in it 16 years. I always feel responsible for my family's happiness.

My oldest son (9) has ADHD, and he struggles in school. I feel it's my fault, because I'm not the kind of mom he needs.

My husband is unreasonable in some of his demands/needs. He likes order. He's sometimes verbally abusive. (Although, he's getting better about it). He wants to live in a museum. I work full time, and have two kids. My house looks lived in. I'm not Mary Poppins or Donna Reed. My kids aren't angels.

All he needs to do is make a certain face, or say something in a certain tone, and I'm up dancing around, doing what he wants, trying to keep the boat on an even keel. Trying to keep him happy.

Who keeps me  happy? Who dances for me?

I'm very, very slowly learning that I dance for me. That what I like, and need is just as important as what others need. But, it's really, really hard for me.

I back slide alot. It's so terribly easy to get sucked back in to old ways of thinking. Any new stress seems to bring up the idea that I should somehow be capable and competent to fix it, to make things even and hold things together.

I'm damaged in that way. It's hard to give up the idea that you might have some control - even when your head knows it, it's hard to convince your heart .

I know what you mean Shelbel - I can't get furious with my h in nothing flat. Go from calm and cool to raging, angry, shaking, scowling. It's awful. It gets in the way of healing, because it holds me (at least) from being able to move forward or try again.

For me, I think it comes from feeling incompetent and allowing his needs/moods to get the better of me yet again.

Hi.  My name is Julie and I have been in Alanon for two years now.  I have three active A's in my life.  My husband, my oldest son, and my brother.  For me the hardest part of working the 1st step was admitting that I was powerless over alcohol.  I knew that my life had become unmanageable.  That is what had brought me to Alanon.  But admitting I was powerless...who me?  Even though I knew that what I had done in the past had not stopped any of the A's from drinking, I felt that I just had not found that "one little thing" that would make a difference.  I was just not willing to give up yet.  I wore my determination like a coat of armour and no one was going to be able to penetrate it.  No one was going to be able to tell me that I was not going to be able to make a difference in the A's life and no one would be able to say that I gave up.  What a crock of bullshit!!!!  When I started going to Alanon I had to take a long look at myself.  I had to get real with myself.  Who the hell did I think I was?  I couldn't no more stop the A from drinking than anyone else could.  We all have been there.  When I first started working this step it was a very humbling experience for me.  It was also a huge relief.  I could finally step back and admit that I did not have all the answers and that was ok.  I began to realize that just because I couldn't stop my A from drinking did not mean that I was weak person or that I wasn't good enough.  It had nothing to do with me at all.  Once I was able to see this it became easier for me to give up the fight and put the focus on myself.  I love Alanon!!!!

Thanks,

Julie 

I have been involved with AlAnon for 5 months now. And, I have come to realize that I have only just begun to grasp step one. Oh, I know it in my head, but my thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, etc still had me running in circles.  I now can fully admit and accept that I AM POWERLESS, I HAVE NO CONTROL.  Not to say I don't WANT control.. man, I wish I did. I could make everything perfect, right? (yeah, ok)

My Abf and I have been together for over 3 years and it has been nothing but hell.  I tried Everything imaginable to get him to see what he was doing, what he was throwing away, how he was hurting me, the kids, etc. Was it any use? Nope, not one little bit. Yes, he went to rehab.. did it work? No. What did I do when he relapsed? Lost my mind. Went off the deep end. Blamed my HP for not making things go exactly how I wanted them to. You know, I didn't even blame my Abf... I went and rescued him .. Again. And guess what? He sobered up for three weeks and went back to drinking.. again. 

I am not one who can live in the same house with my active A and detach.  He is my addiction as much as the beer is his. And I have been stuck on step one, still hoping I had some kind of control over making him SEE..

Not anymore.  Maybe if there were one more thing I could try, then I would still be stuck, lol.  But, Ive tried it all.  I have no control. I cannot cure it. And no matter what anyone says, especially him, I did not cause it. 

I gave my Abf over to my HP yesterday.  I let go, said my goodbyes, made it clear to him that though I loved him, I will not allow myself to watch him drink himself to death. Nor will I allow my children's lives to be affected by the unmanageableness of our life.  I kissed him goodbye with a beer in his hand, asked my HP to sustain him to the point in which he finally WANTS to be sober and find peace and then I drove home alone.

He makes the decisions that have to do with him. It is time for me to make the decisions that have to do with me and my children. Uninfluenced by alcohol or an alcoholic.

So, I readily admit... I Am Powerless and I Have No Control... (every 5 seconds, just in case I forget)

Hi Jenny, 

I'm SOOOOO Glad you've joined our board!  This initial step is you taking care of yourself . . . Even if it doesn't feel like it!  And, your journey has brought you to Step 1 --- TOOOOOO Much to handle on your own and it's time to pull in resources.  I understand this from my heart because I, too, am at the end of my rope!

I'm GRATEFUL you have a sponsor --- You are doing an OUTSTANDING Job of beginning the recovery process.  I write my sponsor daily.  I would be lost without her support and encouragement . . . And, I've discovered something I've never experienced before --- She loves me even when I can't really love myself!!!

You are TRULY An Awesome Woman!!!  The path you've walked has been VERY Difficult . . . And, yet it is pretty much the same as the one that brought most of us here in the 1st place . . . We finally realize we can't do it alone!!!  The miracle is that in our weakness we find a strength that surpasses ALL Understanding . . . And, little by little as we cry and write and rant and get some of the pain out in the open, there is an opportunity for the peace of this amazing program to begin growing in our soul.  

Together We Can Make It, Jenny!  Peace in the Program, 'R'

dot wrote:

---

Though we may not have labeled it this way, we come to Al-Anon because our lives are unmanageable

---

That line says it all. Thanks Dot and everyone for sharing their experience, strength and hope. I read all your shares, and had a lot to benefit from them all.

I'm Tahir, from India, my wife is a recovering alcoholic too.

Glad that I logged in and read what you all had to share. My Higher Power's will for me this evening I guess.

Blessings and Peace ~ Tahir.

Read everyones shares and I know I am late in the game but I really need to work the steps.

This seems to be one of the best tools for me to get a little dirty.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, strength and hope here, I feel so blessed to have the oppportunity to listen share and heal. Thanks for beig here.

I have been in alanon for almost a year and recognize how far recovery has gotten me today and how far I need to go. My husband is Dry. Recovering on his own terms. menawhile my challenge is to keep the focus on me. Not my husband or my 4 chilfren or anyone that I love looks like they need some fixin'.

I recognize that I am powerless over every situation in my life. To look for guidance when i dont know what to do, how to act or NOT react and to accept what that is for me right now and be gentle and have patience with myself because I working really hard.

Thanks for this awesome opportunity for healing.

Theresa

Carrie--you are not the latest in the game.

I would also like to join in!!

I started working the steps a few months ago.  But haven't made it through step 4 yet.  My husband tells me--you need to really work the steps--so I want to really try it again.

My husband is a recovering alocoholic.  He has been sober for 3 and 1/2 months now.  Things are going well.  I still find myself overwhelmed at times.  I really do understand and agree with Step 1.  I am powerless of alcohol!  There is absolutely no doubt about that!  My life definitely became unmanageable!!  While it is getting better, I still need to realize that there is more I am powerless over!!!  I know my HP is in charge.  It's just that He and I don't exactly see things eye to eye all the time and I get confused!  That's when my problems really kick in--I think I've got the better plan (I haven't been smarter yet!!)

RF-I too have a son with Asperger's.  He is in the third grade.  I teach at the same school my kids attend.  It is so hard, as a mother, to see how others treat your child.  This year is the first year (actually the second--b/c I taught him myself last year) when his teacher hasn't come up to me and told me my son was a little sh--.  As a teacher I understood/understand how frustrating it is having a special student in class, but as a mother that hurts sooooo bad!!!!

Again that is another thing that I am powerless over.  I do what I can.  Encourage where I can and pray really hard when things get too overwhelming. (My son got kicked out of church last year--b/c they couldn't handle it.  Luckily this year has been better and the Sunday school teachers actually make it a point to tell me how good he is doing.)

I still find myself preoccupied with wanting things to be different and not fully accepting things the way they are.  You know accepting that your dreams just aren't going to happen.  This is what is so hard for me and the worries about the future.  I know that just b/c my "dreams" aren't coming true doesn't mean I can't have a good life, and I won't have a good life if I spend all my time worrying about the "what if's".  So I have said all this to say-- I hope that by working the steps  I am able to:  be happy inspite of whatever comes my way; find a healthy way to function in all of my relationships; get comfortable with the fact that I am not in charge and in fact I really don't want all of that responsibility; take care of me and my kids without guilt and shame; gain a better relationship with my AH and hopefully be able to do the next right thing no matter where he goes in his life (by this I mean whether or not he is sober).

Thanks for listening!

Dawn