ALANON STEP ONE

hotrod · Guru

ALANON STEP ONE

clearthefog · Newbie

I hope I'm in the right place and time for this. I need to start step work asap but wasn't sure what the rules were (even though I read them several times!).

I have about five different individual qualifiers...three are alcoholics and two are heavily, chronically codependent (which triggers me), and one of them also - I believe - has several undiagnosed mental disorders. I'm also in the middle of a really long, drawn-out painful, dramatic break-up with one of these. The break up is just as dramatic and crazymaking as the entire relationship was. So what did I expect? I keep step one-ing during the break up because I keep cycling back through the 'bargaining' stage, thinking I am smart enough, strong enough and loving enough to bring this person back to health so that we can live happily ever after! Why is it so hard for me to grasp this idea that I truly am powerless over his issues and that he won't change until he wants to, and is ready? Why do I feel I still am responsible for this? Part of his sickness is to blame everybody and everything outside of himself, and I bought it hook, line and sinker for many years. So I am still very much a novice when it comes to step 1. What can I do each day to try to reinforce that I am powerless over other people's addictions and/or mental disorders, other than recite step 1? Any tips would be welcome.

Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?

Because somewhere along the line I got the message that I have to have a 'can-do' attitude, that 'failure is not an option', and that I am usually wrong and everybody else is usually right. So no matter what I do, I have to keep trying harder but I'll never succeed because I'm inherently wrong. So if I say I'm powerless, that confirms that I really am wrong and a useless loser. At least if I keep hurling myself against that wall, I will always have hope that one day I will be able to break through it.

How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?

By throwing other people's moody crises at me, when I have calmer things to do. By keeping me stuck under and invisible glass dome, unable to get out and live my life.

What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?

Because I know how happy they could be, if they only listened to me, or were just like me (right! and look how happy *I* am! ). I keep thinking they are reaching out to me to help them, that I can bless them like an angel or a saint, so I behave like a martyr and then they take angry dumps all over me.

In what way does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people places and situations?

It makes me obsess and ruminate something rotten. I make these people my HP, instead of loving them for being hopelessly human. My denial, of course, leads me to commit the same mistakes over and over again, expecting different results.

How does step one change my perspective about the disease of alcohol is?

It puts the focus back on me and removes the blame off of the other person, in my mind.

How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?

It points out that I'm the idiot for allowing these things to happen to me, not that the other person is an idiot for being sick or addicted. So in this way it removes any future blame or shame of myself. It's hard to cancel out past blame and shame that I told myself was real, that I deserved it, but I can duck the present and future blame and shame and never allow it to take root.

What tools are Al-Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life has become unmanageable?

Putting the responsibility for my peace and happiness back into mine and my HP's hands, and taking the HP-like mask off of my qualifier.

-- Edited by clearthefog on Wednesday 23rd of April 2014 11:51:10 PM

hotrod · Guru

Dear clearthefog Thank you for taking this huge step in your recovery. Your honesty and clarity on the step and seeing how truly powerless we are is just the right action to complete this Step.
Now it is time to move on to Step 2.

clearthefog · Newbie

Ok! I'll do that. Thank you so much, Betty. I could cry from gratitude here. Thank you for being here.

flopadopilus · Veteran Member

We just copy and pasted the questions and answered them from Hotrod.

1lostmom · Newbie

Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?

I hate feeling like I am out of control, and am good at taking control of problems in my own life. I have managed to pull myself up after losing a baby, after having clinical depression, have been able to control and successfully manage my OCD. I associate powerlessness with loss of control- that is terrifying for me.

How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?

My husband's drinking has caused chaos and turmoil in my home that I cannot handle anymore. I am always tired, always stressed, and always unhappy.

What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?

I want to. Ultimately, I want change, and I do not trust my husband to do it. I keep trying to do it for him, and continue to fail every single time. Lack of trust, and lack of faith in anyone besides myself has me continuing to try to change him.

In what way does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people places and situations?

At this point, I am holding onto pain and resentment and anger. Holding onto those things is not hurting anyone except for me and my daughter. I need to be able to let go for my own happiness and health.

How does step one change my perspective about the disease of alcohol is?

I used to see the word "disease" and understand the word "excuse." Just because my husband has alcoholism and that is a disease does not mean I am excusing his behaviors or saying that it is okay. It is understanding that as I feel out of control and powerless, he does as well.

How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?

I used to blame myself for his drinking, and feel like if only I was Worth it, he would stop. I don't anymore. I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I cannot change it. This isn't my fault, no matter how many times he claims that I "make" him drink.

What tools are Al-Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life has become unmanageable?

I go to meetings when I feel alone and need support, and I talk to my friends when I need to vent.

hotrod · Guru

1lostmom,
Thank you for your clarity, honesty and willingness. I am happy that you have joined our Step Board and are sharing the journey

mburr · Newbie

Hi, my name is M and I'm new here. I am going through a lot of life changes and am looking for support and tools to improve my life. For the people around me and that I love but most importantly for MYSELF. I have a recovering partner whom during her 4th step requested that we take a break while she is doing the steps and finding out who she really is, she is about 90 days sober. She says that if it is meant to be then it will be and we will find our way back to each other. I am hoping for the best and committing myself to recovery as well during our time apart so I can find myself too.

-- Edited by mburr on Wednesday 4th of June 2014 01:24:12 AM

mburr · Newbie

My share

By surrendering myself and admitting that I was powerless, I can now really start walking the path of recovery. It's the denial that has held me back for so long, I need to face my life head on because it's not just going to get better all on its own. I am powerless over the way that my partner's addictions have impacted both of our lives. It's the nature of the disease but it doesn't define who she really is at heart. I am also powerless over how my mom's alcohol addiction has impacted my life and her parenting skills. And the destructive ways in which I forced myself to cope with her. I have been powerless against the fear that has slowly taken over my life the past few years and my developed habit of putting her needs before my own 90% of the time. I need to make changes to the things that I can and accept the things that I cannot change. I need to figure out who I really am and what makes me happy.

Step one questions

1.) Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?

It's difficult for me to admit my powerlessness because I was in denial and living in fear.

2.) How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?

They make my life unmanageable because

3.) What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?

The main thing that keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else is my fear of failure. And I feel like I have failed my partner by not being able to help her sooner.

4.) In what way does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people places and situations?

It hampers my ability to let go because my brain associates letting go with being something negative. something wrong. something that shouldn't happen. I couldn't see the truth of the situation. The truth is that the addiction was not my fault, I can't change it, and I can't stop it. It was all up to her. Yes, I love her but my love kept me blind to the real truth.

5.) How does step one change my perspective about the disease of alcohol is?

Step one changes my perspective about the disease because it has helped me to understand that alcohol and drug addiction are a DISEASE. That it is NOT a choice that I have always thought. That not everyone has the will power to just stop doing something or completely abstaining from things that we know are harmful like I do. My perspective has changed because now I can separate the disease from the person.

6.) How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?

It helps me let go by giving me the ability to understand the nature of the disease. To be able to recognize that it is not my fault.

7.) What tools are Al-Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life has become unmanageable?

I repeat the serenity prayer to myself several times throughout the day and I am getting in touch with my spiritual side once again after being angry at my higher power for taking away the most important person in my life who loved me unconditionally.

hotrod · Guru

Good Work MBurr, you are on your way. Please keep working the program. Meetings, the steps, gratitude and asset lists, slogans all helped to restore my self esteem and gave me the ability to find happiness and serentiy regardless .

wearymother · Member

My Share:

I really did think that Step 1 was a no-brainer. Yet, the more I thought about it, the more difficult it became. Up to this point, I did not realize that I had been trying to control the situation. I thought I was just making rules that would help. "You can't" and "You must" were things coming out of my mouth continually. I wanted my A to act the way I dictated. It has taken every thing for me to admit that my daughter, my little girl, my baby, is an alcoholic. I have NO, none, nada, control over that. Her own choices in life have brought her to this place, and I cannot 'fix' her. The Mommy in me wants to kiss her boo-boos and make it all better, but this is not a skinned knee. So, the first thing I must do is accept this reality. I have, or am trying to, let go. That is one of, if not the most, difficult things I have had to do.

So, I admit that I am powerless over alcohol. I am powerless over daughter. I AM POWERLESS. I am powerless because I am NOT God! I am powerless and I am not God and because I was trying to control things and be God, life was unmanageable. I was unable to manage it. No matter how hard I tried, I could not manage her drinking and/or her alcoholism. I could not manage her words, I could not manage my reaction to her. I am powerless, I am not God, I cannot manage anything.

Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?
It is difficult to admit that I am powerless because I do not want to be powerless. I want to be in control. I want to take on the roll of God. I want what I want when I want it! I am spoiled. I am wrong.

How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?
Alcoholism makes my life unmanageable because I let it. I try to control my A daughter and her drinking, she becomes argumentative and we end up yelling at each other; feeding off each others anger. In response to this, I get my feelings hurt and then feel guilty because I believe her lies that her problems are all my fault, causing life to spiral downward into depression and tears.

What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?
For so many years, I thought that I was being the good parent. Even though I'd said so many times that we never control our children; not even when they are babies. I tried to control everything in my life.

In what way does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people places and situations?
Denying that daughter is A, and denying that I am powerless to change this fact, makes it impossible to let go.

How does step one change my perspective about the disease of alcohol is?
My daughter tells me that I "just don't understand." She is correct. I don't understand. I don't understand because I have never dealt with this situation. The only alcoholics in our family are distant relatives and not close enough for me to know what the disease is all about. To me, it was just drinking too much and a person should be able to just not. It isn't a good thing, so stop it! Now, I have to take a step back and look at the situation and admit that I have been wrong.

How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?
If I am not in control of alcohol, and am not in control of daughter, then I am not at fault. I didn't do this, therefore I have nothing to feel guilty about. I am struggling not to feel ashamed of her. I have not given up my pride 100% yet. This will take longer.

What tools are Al-Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life has become unmanageable?
Right now, I am doing Al Anon online. It is such help to have someplace to go where people do 'get me' and they are nonjudgmental. I listen and I am learning.

hotrod · Guru

Great share wearymother

Thank you for your honesty and in depth sharing on the Step One questions. The program is powerful and does really help to re-learn constructive ways to act in our own best interest. I too am the mom of an addicted child and do know what a hard road it is to travel Please keep coming back

slowlearner · Member

hotrod wrote:
Alanon New Book: Reaching for Personal Freedom
Step One
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that OUR LIVES had become un manageable.
For those affected by the disease of alcoholism, step one can be a daunting task. Because our thinking is often distorted we can fall prey to the illusion of control. In trying to control the alcoholics drinking and behavior our own lives became unmanageable.
When we admit our powerlessness, it does not mean we are helpless. In accepting the reality of our situation, we begin to realize what we can and cannot change. Through this acceptance, we gain personal power and freedom.

My share
Step one questions
Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?

Because I'm a caretaker and believe that I can fix alot of things.
How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?
Alcohol makes my life unmanageable because it has the person(s) I love in it's grips. My AH is not the same person drunk as sober. My life has become an existence not a life. Trudging through daily tasks with no joy. It has created chaos in our house. I'm tired of walking on eggshells and not going to any social events. I'm tired of feeling like I am the crazy one.
What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?
I really don't know. I think I hold the belief that if he loved me enough he would quit. I believed that if I loved him enough he would stop, I would be enough in his life.
In what way does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people places and situations?
I feel that I no longer deny that my life is unmanageable due to alcohol, I've come to that conclusion a while ago. I'm here because I don't believe I have the strength to go anywhere else. I have isolated myself.
How does step one change my perspective about the disease of alcohol is?
That my AH does love me but he is an addict. He uses alcohol to ease pain and stress. He doesn't know how to deal with life without looking through the bottom of the glass.

How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?
I believed that I was not good enough to love that is why he would drink. That I didn't measure up to his standards and that he was unhappy with me.
What tools are Al-Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life has become unmanageable?
The slogans, let go and let God, the three "C"s. one step at a time. Definitely the message board and the members feedback.

hotrod · Guru

Dear Nancy, thank you for your honesty and in-depth response to the Step one questions. I could identify with each of your responses and understand completely the motives that drove your actions and the negative self talk that destroyed our self-esteem.
Step one is a powerful acknowledgment of our powerlessness over people places and things. That left me free to be able to nurture and care for myself. .t is doing the same for you and I am pleased with her progress. I had to move quickly to step two, because if I acknowledge my powerlessness, I needed to have a power greater than all of us to trust as I tried to manage my life. You are a perfect child of a perfect higher power and I am proud to be sharing this journey with you

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